The Open Window

I let him go. I could see those dark brown eyes staring at me through the window. I could see the questions I had not let him ask. I waved goodbye as the train whistled. The tears appeared in his eyes involuntarily. He would not blink his eyes though. The lady next to him gave me a reassuring look as if to say " I will take care of him, don't you worry!".

Worry? Is that what I felt at that moment? He had been a part of my life for the past three years.
My days and nights had revolved around him. What it had taken me to take that decision. To be left at the railway platform as the train had sped out of the station.
So there I stood almost wooden, stuck to the railway platform.

He was true to me for the rest of the years. He wrote to me every week. I answered his letters with great caution. Never letting him know how much I missed him. He never hid his feelings. The feelings mellowed down over the years though.

He was changing fast. The new city envoirment, new friends. a new family did him good. He was growing quite mature. At the same time his cautious handwriting had turned into a hurried scrawl.


It was a decade later that I was back standing at the same railway platform. My life was still very much the same. I had become the principal of Saint Roderiques Orphan School. It was a very demanding position. The Orphan school was residential one. And there were new admits every few months. Sometimes I wondered who produced these orphans? At other times, I thought perhaps it was God's way of creating a balance in the world. Where childless widows like me could find love. I thanked the Lord every day for the small mercies! For I had been allowed to be a mother to hundred instead of none.

So there I stood at the railway station to greet my son, who had now grown up to be a man.
Ravi had been a shattered 10 year old when he entered the orphanage. He had lived a life on the streets most of his childhood. I don't remember quite how he came to live with me. But he had trusted me from day one. So he had stayed with me. That was the first time I had been a mother to
a child. There in started a new life for me, Rosa Fernandes, a widow of ten years, still very much in love with her husband. Through Ravi, I became a part of the orphanage in a way which was more than endowing them with my good fortune.

Eventually of course there was a family who came to adopt him. Away he went to the city to be a part of a family. But he never forgot his foster mother.

So there I stood at the railway platform looking a 23 year old young man with a moustache waving at me. I could recognise him from several photographs that he had sent me.
This time the tears wouldn't stop flowing my from my eyes but I refused to blink. I was so proud of him. Proud of what he had become, proud of what he had made me!

Running Scared

The Scared keep running away,
from the dark clouds in the sky,
from the cold wintry nights,
from the unpleasant thoughts.

The fear keeps following them
like shadow under the hot sun,
like the deep dark secret
embedded inside of their hearts.

There is never any respite,
no sanctuary to be found.
Its not possible to let go
of the fear within.

In the end, its a dead end,
wherein one dares to look,
stare the fear in the face,
only to realize its not to be found.



PS : I was away from the net for the past few days. Hence the lack of postings.. Perhaps this poem is then, quite appropriate :)

Need a little inspiration...

Saw the Sun today, peeking out of the dark clouds.
A sign of promise of new thoughts and solutions?

Yet its only a mirage, even if I can feel it gleam on me.
I see no answers, just more questions clearer than before.

At least it is a start. Tomorrow there will be sunshine and more.



PS: Boston has had now 7 whole days of cloudy days..when the sunlight beamed this evening, I could hear people in the coffee shop shout..Its the sun..its the sun :)

Enroute to New York

The suspect is travelling on Fung Wah bus, cheapest and surprisingly reliable way to travel!

The trip was well thoughout yet a bit impulsive. After harassing oneself about unaccountable money loss, unproductive research and unhappy advisor the suspect decided to bolt the scene of crime.

This was aided by an uncle's promise of a free ride back home and delight expressed by the suspect's friends in NY/NJ.

After a long time the suspect finds oneself with tonnes of time on hand and resorts to mundane thoughts.
* Did the desi chap two rows behind notice me? Turns to check out what the owner of sweet voice looks like !
* What is the girl across the aisle listening to on her IPOD? Thoughts about Ipod usually result in a prolonged debate of whether one should buy one. Ends at "not enough money"!
* Where is the rearview mirror in a bus? Is it easier to drive a bus in rain and bad visibility? That train of thought usually ends at the station " glad I did not drive"

The scenery outside is slowly vanishing into darkness. Not that there is much to see, just a lot of trees covered in mist. On second thoughts the tinted windows take all the fun out of it.
At this point the suspect spends several minutes remincing about past bus journeys. The one from Bangalore to Mysore stands out. That route can be (at the right time of the year) spread with lush green sugarcane fields, which are quite pretty.
Don't remember anyone describing the corn fields near Urbana with the same frevour. But that is a price one pays for living in the middle of one instead of passing by it.

The difficulty in writing these words (somewhate sketchily) is quickly disposed off by observing one young lady (at a visible range) drawing with utmost concentration.
One almost feels blessed on these occasions of carrying paper and pen even at the pretext of working!

In due course the mundane thoughts recede to the most vain. At this point the suspect gets back to reading the Adventure of Precious Ramotswe of the No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency.

The life apart

I would come running
If you only signalled
I wouldn't let you down
Not today not tomorrow

Truth be told,
you would never call
I wouldn't come
unbeckoned, unwanted

Two pillars unmovable
We stand apart
from the world,
from each other

And thus we stood
all our lives,
unshaken, unmoved
to become remarkable

The two proud statues
of resolution and bravery
Of thwarting all the wants
and hearts desires

In the end, thats all we are
two pillars of concrete
Apart by two feet of distance,
Together by the years that bond us


PS: These are just random lines, which I fit together, hoped they would make some sense. Sometimes it is fun to play with words; pick a line from here and there put them together and see what you make of it. Almost like cooking;)

Voices in the background

*dream*

I am in a room full of US Army soldiers. Its a party of some sort. There are bunch of them on the couch and I am standing facing them... explaining why a war is no good.
How it helps no one!



Get up in a shock. Feel like it was a nightmare.

*fast forward*

In the train staring at the other passengers. See this sad dog under the seat of its owner. Has a
patta on its nose. Wonder why?
Figure maybe it has a tendency of licking? Poor thing, Looks out of sorts and a little sad.

*later*

Wonder why people keep pets? Possibly its nice to take care of someone. Someone who wants you just the same always. Just like babies; their love is straighforward and unconditional. Their parents take care of them. Hence they love them.
Babies grown up, become independent. Our pets on the other hand stay with us till the end..ours or theirs.

But aren't animals happier in Wild? Isn't that more natural? Possibly, who knows. Its hard to figure out unless we could start to talking them.

*fast forward*

Its strange, look at us humans! We talk about protecting the envoirnment,animals. We keep them as our pets,take utmost care of them. And then, we go and kill our fellow men for there is no else who will kill us humans. We seem to have taken up the task of creating natural balance via war, bombs, our power struggles.

Who sleeps the best? The powerful man afraid of loosing his control. The man who just had a good meal after earning his daily bread?

Its hard to understand the dichotomy, trichotomy, or the reasoning behind our actions. It seems entirely easy to live at peace with each other. Perhaps it is impossible not to indulge in verbal wars..but if only they stayed verbal and did not involve cutting each other's throats.

*sigh*

Alter ego

I can be anyone you want
Maybe I am no one you want

I can be the sunshine of your life
I can steal all the sunshine from your life
I can take away the dark clouds
I can make it rain all day through

I can be your friend
One who's always there for you
I can be your worst enemy
One who never leaves you alone

That support you were searching for
It could be my shoulder you cry on
That person you were running from
I could be the one to make you cry

Love me, leave me
Run or hide, escape to the unknown
I will be here always
Inside your mind, Inside your mind.

Being Politically correct.,...

Was waiting for a friend, hanging out at a Starbucks. With just a coffee and nothing to read with me, I picked up these random pamphlets they had up there.

There was one reading 'Starbucks giving back to the community'.

I think Interesting!
People always say bad things about these corporations, perhaps they do not deserve it. It was cool, about how they were investing in various envoirmental stuff, buying fair trade coffee etc. So far so good.

They had this description in the end...facts and figures of how much stuff they buy, how many people they employ, men women etc... one of these categories was people of color!!

I was just very amused. Amused by the contradiction...

Train of Thought

Hey baby, I don't wanna be your Superman
I just wanna be your man and I'll be super, baby
You'll be standin' in the sun shine
I'll be standin' right here in the rain
You save me and I will save the day
I think im trying to save the world from you

You've been saving me too
We could just stay in and save each other
Im anything but ordinary

When I find out who I am
I'm gonna know just what to do
When I pull myself together again
I'm gonna give myself to you

I had heard of

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey

and

And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

and of course

Meet virginia

But to hear them perform live..and actually be able to see the stage even from the top was ... :)

The seats were bad, so was the acoustics, and the singer's dances abilities is mostly hand waving like mathematicians...
but ..but the music was awesome, the band played good... ! The stage arrangement with lights was beautiful.

I am in awe..perhaps you can tell how few concerts I have seen live.

All the same, if it wasn't midnight I would have considered getting hold of their CD !!!

Eye opener

Just realized that vision is a strange thing. There are times when I used to think that its a pain not being able to see clearly without my glasses.

Today I saw a different view. I had my glasses off while reading and saw this thing which imagined to be two little dolls with blue dresses at the end of a long stick.

Wore my glasses to discover it was two wires with blue plugs at the end.

Hmm.. its wonderful to see the world with my imagination sometimes :) Its more beautiful that way!

Its all about....

..who is saying the words and who is listening I think.

Take these lyrics.. from Shiver By Coldplay

On and on from the moment I wake,
To the moment I sleep,
I’ll be there by your side,
Just you try and stop me,
I’ll be waiting in line,
Just to see if you care.

Affections from the quarter you want..its all cute and mushy ...aw this person loves you so much!

Affections from quarter you do not want..and you have the honour of being someone's obsession!

So where is the line between love and obsession drawn?

Some bad poetry...

... dedicated to a very good man. I finally saw Good night & Good luck...


The streets you wandered
I would like to explore
The thoughts that you had pondered
I would like to hear

I will walk the path
And tread that you trod

The lives that inspired you
The lives that inspire me
The life you aspired to
The life I aspire to

I will learn to live it
Just as you lived it

Snapshot

A shadow was trudging down the alleyway. The lighting was minimal and the shadow was wavering. The figure stopped below the light bulb and the shadow disappeared. His appearance described him completely. There was a tiny bottle in his hand, a steel mug in the other which he was waving about. It was hard to decide whether he had any control on which direction the mug was going. Everything about him was in slow motion. He had huge tattered coat wrapped around him. You could smell him from a distance. Him and his liqour. His eyes were half shut. You could tell by his appearance that he hadn't food for days, and yet it was his size which made you question your conclusion.

The shadow started ambling toward me again. Relative to my brisk pace he looked still. I paused a moment and shuffled my purse for coins. I dropped a quarter and was on my way when I saw his eyelids flicker. His eyes opened a tad, and did I see a recoginition in them?

A Kodak moment? I must be joking, yet I see no one laughing!

Overheard

"If their childern are getting so fat that they cannot get into child seats. They should just tie them to the back of the car and make them run behind!!!"

Very Offensive I must add, which is probably why I was amused that anyone should say that!

I finally succumb...

to writing some poetry. I will go ahead and disgrace myself here, after all I have been prosing for so long that a change might be good.. you might even get a hearty laugh out of this pretension.

And to those of you thinking that these disclaimers are really me fishing for compliments I have to tell you that you are right! I will take everything and anything... compliments and critic..:) Ok..brace yourself..here goes


Would you make me beg you?
for those kind words
for those minutes of sanity
before I move into the unfeeling world.

Would you deprive me
of those stolen moments
of the small memories
before the reality takes over

Would you not turn around,
my friend and say goodbye?
Just one glance, one look
to keep me company
on my journey away from you.



PS: For anybody who wonders about the inspiration, perspiration or aspirations behind this poem. I have to tell you honestly, none. One afternoon, work refuses to get done..intense boredom takes over and I feel like poeting.. Sure I am bad it, but when has that ever stopped me from posting?

Moments

Just watched my favourite scene from My Best Friend's Wedding. Its when Michael goes on a boat ride with Julianne. He is discussing with her how they both rarely used the word love in their relationships with other people. And then he says "
Kimmy says if you really love someone you say it loud.. otherwise ..."
Julianne completes it for him "..otherwise the moment just passes you by.." During this scene the boat is going under the bridge so its in shadow and Juliannes eyes are brimming with tears. As she says the words the boat comes out from under the bridge into the light. Love the scene.

Its not the just love, a lot of things in life are momentous. Its about reacting correctly at the right moment. Or realzing what it is that you want at the moment when you want to make your decision.

If one thinks back, there are these "life changing moments". At that point of time we hardly even notice them, Its when they are gone we feel that something important just happened.

If you love someone, say it then and there. If you want to take up that job, don't dwell on it. Just accept it. When you want to make the move go ahead and do it. Once the moment has past, there is not much you can do the make it happen again.

This is not a reminder of all things that could have been, but all things that could be!

Pyar Ishq Mohabbat aur Zindagi

Kambhakth ishq hai jo
Sara Jahan hai woh
Kab aata hai Kab jaata hai....
Par rahta hai jab tak yeh kabhakth jannat dikhata hai

Sunayana could not sleep. She just could not get her mind off him. They had been in the same college for three years now. But suddenly something had changed. Everytime she saw him or talked to him, her heart did a thousand leaps. The whole world brightened up. Gone were her thoughts about war, poverty, homelessness. There were no worries in her world. He on the other hand she thought looked a little out of sorts.
The stubble made him look good. But it was difficult to ignore the lines of worry on his forehead.

Jane yeh kaisi aag lagi hai.
Isme dhuan na chingari
Ho na ho is baar koi khwab jala hai seene mein.

Ravi tossed and turned in his bed. He could hear voices from his parent's bedroom.
He felt so helpless. He was in the last year of engineering and they were running out of money to pay for his education. Baba had lost his job. The company had shut down suddenly and at his age it seemed impossible to get another job. He had two younger siblings, still in high school. There was just another year to go and his parents wanted him to finish. He felt like he should quit degree college and get a job. Any job would probably help them at this point. His parents on the other hand were trying to convince him that they had enough savings to get through another year. He was sure they were lying.

mere dil ko yeh kya ho gaya
main na janu kahan kho gaya
kyun lage ki din mein bhi raat hai
dhup mein bhi barsaat hai
aisa kyun hota hai baar baar
kya isko hi kahte hain pyar

Sunayana was on the seventh heaven. She had met Ravi in the hallway. He said he would like to talk to her in the afternoon after class. He had asked her looking very nervous whether she would meet him for a cup of tea. She had agreed most readily.
She realized she was counting minutes to this meeting, feeling nervous and delirious both at the same time.


Ishq hota nahi sabhi ke liye..
yeh bana hai yeh bana hai kisi kisi ke liye...

Ravi spent the time in class dreading his meeting with Sunayana. She was the closest thing he had to a friend and he was sure she would understand. He wondered what this meant for both of them. If only things were different, he could have asked her to marry him. She had big ideals, about how she would be a social activist and help the poor after she finished her graduation. He felt sad that he could not be a part of her ideals. His life was taking a different direction.


Mar gaye ishq mein aashiq kitne
aashiq baniyo na....
ishq kabhi kariyo na...


Sunayana felt like her life had fallen apart. She felt bitter. And yet she couldn't be angry with anyone. Ravi was leaving college. He had found a job in Dubai. It was a clerical job. She was sure he could get a better paying job but he was in no position
to bargain. She felt cheated. It wasn't Ravi's fault that his family was broke. She wished she could have helped him in a different way. But what could she do? She was from a middle class family herself. She had worked hard to get this merit seat, and her parents were just about able to pay for her education. She suggested that Ravi should take a loan and finish his studies. But he said that their finances were in such a poor state that it was impossible to manage even with a loan.

mann yeh baanwara
tujh bin maane na
dhunde raat din kya baanwara

As he walked out of her life that day Ravi had a hollow feeling. Sure they could keep in touch. They were still young and had time on their hands.
They both knew that was never going to work out. Ravi had to look after his siblings and Sunayana had to still build her life. Perhaps they still had hope. Maybe in 10-15 years time they could be together. Maybe she join him in Dubai. Maybe he would come back in couple of years after making a lot of money.


Hazaron Khwaahishen aisi ke har khwaahish pe dam nikale
Bahut nikale mere armaan lekin phir bhi kam nikale.

Romance and Reality

This post is slightly inspired from Casa's or at least smells the same!

Over the weekend I saw Before Sunrise and Before Sunset starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delphy. And I spent half of the time agreeing with most things they said especially Julie delphy's character in the sequel.

For the uninformed ( ok that is just to get people started..:)) Before Sunrise was this (fairly mushy as I realize now) movie aboout two strangers who meet on the train and spend the next 20 hrs (perhaps?) talking to each other and falling in love with each other. This movie was made in 1995 and I think I saw it about 7-8 years ago, the movie impressed me with its simplicity. And the idea of two strangers getting along so well with each other jelled with me. I still love that movie.

But it was the sequel which made me realize how much I had changed. At the end of the first one they promise to meet each other after six months at the same place (dont bother to exchange phone numbers etc). The sequel was in fact made 9 years later and was about them meeting each other after 9 years. They couldn't meet after six months. But the connection was still there. Anyway, years had taken their toll, they were now older and somehow less romantic and more cynical.

Especially Julie Delphy's character. She talks about how she really felt detached from everything around her etc.. and how often have I felt that way. No, there was no stranger on the train..or a romance that could have been. Its just that life happened. Its like that rock on the sea shore I saw the other day, all that salt water hitting it slowly makes it loose its edge. The rock probably doesn't even realise what is happening until years are gone by and the change is sharp.

No, I am not a bitter depressed manaic....but how I love that movie. For being honest in a strange way. Perhaps its just me who relates to it so. OR perhaps you will too if you watch it.

The Angle

" Look at her. In that crimson red saree she looks her best. And what am I wearing? The same old simple salwaar kameez? Why didn't I dress up a little bit more? How could I forget that Rani would be look ravishing as ever? Perhaps Nikhil is right now wishing he was married to her after all. Look at her laughing and talking to him " Neha thought to herself. Next minute she was scolding herself " But she didn't want him did she? While I have been in love with Nikhil all my life. And yet why am I always worrying? He's mine for life now, na?"


Just then Nikhil moved across the room to talk to her to discuss their plan of action for the evening.

" They both look so happy together" thought Rani. " Maybe I should not have refused him." He was after all the most handsome guy in her school. They would have made the perfect couple. The beauty queen and the prince of school.
" What's the use in this line of thought. Aren't I happy with Rahul? So what he is a bespectacled serious guy, who prefers books to movies." Hadn't she always been in love with him? Running around him in school, pretending to have difficulties with homework just to seek his help.

As Neha turned to go talk to their hostess , Nikhil looked around the room. He saw Rani taking Rahul's spectacles and wiping them up for him.
" Look at her. Treating him like a baby. Isn't it just like her. " He was reminded of all the time in life when he had been jealous of this very act. How he had convinced himself that no girl could ever refuse him. He always felt strange being in the same room with the woman he had been in love with for the first 25 years of his life and the woman he had promised to love rest of his life. He wondered why they weren't the same woman. Then he turned to see Neha in deep thought break into a big smile when he looked at her. " Why wasn't I in love with my wife all my life? All those heartaches and troubles we could have avoided."


Rahul looked at his wife, fussing over him and felt blessed. "Whatever made her fall in love with the most boring boy in school, he would never know." Spontaneously he took her hand and squeezed it, as if to tell her how precious she was to him. Rani flushed and then whispered into his ears, " I am glad you are with me"

Neha saw the exchange and felt the eyes of Nikhil on her. All she saw there was love.. no deceit and thought "How can I but be in love with this man always?"

A Drop of Sweat

I travel downward as he frowns. Gravity pulls me down and I fall with a thud. Part of me is stuck on to the ends of his shirt. As I splash, I grasp the warm air in the hope that it will carry me forth.

In seconds, I evaporate into the air, warmed by the hot mid-day sun. And I am free. I spread around,
in all directions, free like a bird. My wings are every where. I am floating in the air.
Its wonderful for a few minutes, and then I feel myself dissipating, becoming one with the atmosphere.

Will I be ever able to gather myself? There is no time to think....

Email story: finale (no real surprises)

Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2004 08:03:57 +0530
From: "Mythili Rangaswami" mranga@yahoo.com
To: "Sumitra Narsmihan" sumi_narsimhan@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: venkatiah

yep, for both, ramesh is a good guy and venky still doesnt watch desi movies. but i have convinced him to go for Kal ho na ho with me. I know, i know.. we have seen it on video.. par yaar its still running in the theaters.
Btw our dear venky has finally decided on a girl! He claims he really likes her, but thinks shes not interested, quite crestfallen he is. I told him its no big deal yaar, happens in arranged marraige par pata nahi he seems set on this one!
i was thinking ki even talking to Ramesh a few times, agar we decide not to get married, i wont feel bad like that.

anyway, i believe SRK will make it all ok :)

love
mythi

Date: Thu, 8 Jan 2004 22:57:19 -0600
From: "Sumitra Narsmihan" sumi_narsimhan@hotmail.com
To:"Mythili Rangaswami "mranga@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: venkatiah

Sorry mythee, am real tied up yeh week. What with this being Prashant's last week of break and deadlines next week at work.. So will mail you back after dude is gone back to Midwest.

Sumi


Date: Sat, 10 Jan 2004 10:30:19 +0530
From: "Mythili Rangaswami" mranga@yahoo.com
To: "Sumitra Narsmihan" sumi_narsimhan@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: venkatiah

that's ok re. meeting ramesh again today. he is nice. and then will go with srini tomorrow to see Venky off at the airport. so will mail you in a few days.

mythi

Date: Mon, 12 Jan 2004 03:15:45 +0530
From: "Mythili Rangaswami" mranga@yahoo.com
To: "Sumitra Narsmihan" sumi_narsimhan@hotmail.com
Subject: CALL ME

arre I tried your cell, but you are probably at work. call me when you get my email..
am desperate.. can't sleep. I did the most outrageous thing. venky asked me if I would marry him, and I said yes..
we had like this three minute conversation when we went to get coffee for everyone.
i dont know why I said yes.. what will i tell my parents now? and ramesh??
oh sumi, please call.. i am sleeping rather not sleeping with the cordless next to me..so you wont disturb anyone.
apparently he meant me when he said that he liked this girl.. stupid me..didnt take the hint!! and now i said yes, i think i would like being married to him..but what a mess. and i wont even hear from him for next 20 hrs..don't know if we are really on any commitment here!!!

CALL PLEASE
mythee

Island

I have been on this island for a while now. I have a small raft on which I can go fishing.

Everyday I wait, for that big ship to pass by, blowing its horns. I have learnt to build fire, and have these coconut like things which burst into the flames. I have thus a perfect system to catch the passerby's eyes.

I was on a small boat once, it was definitely seaworthy, but I had not taken time enough to check if the base was indeed solid. So no surprise that it capsized very quickly. It was kind enough to sink near an island. An island I can swim to, I can find shelter and food at.

Like I said, I have a small raft (constructed from my boat remains), somedays when the weather is nice, I venture into the calm seas, soak in all the warm air. But I rush back lest I should miss sighting that big ship, and miss my chance.

Sometimes I wonder though, is this waiting worth it. Should I just not make home here on this island, which has been ever so kind to me? Its a passing thought, cause come the light of dawn I am there again, at the shore, waiting!

PS: I have been reading Life of Pi for the past few days (actually a month now!)..hence the boat the water :)

Mathematically speaking

There is platonic love and then there is physical attraction. I feel am in love with every person who speaks a few kind words to me, who makes me feel good. At the same time I can be attracted to very unknown strangers on the big screen.

Yet there are so many people who confuse the two. Some thing is love is just physical attraction..and then there are those who think its just platonic (hypothetically speaking :)).
I suppose when you mix the two you get a happy marraige.

Its all very simple really, you have two equations and you have two very random variables and in a linear (read sane!) world there is one and exactly one solution.

Idol..izing

Americas 2004..

One boring winter evening, me and my roomie discover that we get FOX TV without cable!( We didn't have cable and didnt use our tvs but for watching movies via vcr). We decide to check out American Idol. "Too much drama.. and these preliminary stuff is boring!"

We watch it next week just the same :) And the next week..and so on.. till we start rooting for Bo Bice! That rocker could rock the stage. And there was this other guy who had awesome charisma, and this music teacher who sang awesome ( Ok I am biased towards guys! what to do?). Of course Carrie won, she sang well..So fine. Even though I would have voted for Bo.

India 2004.

So I hear that there is an Indian Idol. Who won? The final two were too good, and it was all based on looks. Then I hear Abhijeet Sawant and Amit Sana on desi-radio..dunno who became the idol but Abhijeet Sawant can sure sing! After hearing Lafzon mein, am convinced looks or no looks he deserved that Idol prize!

Americas 2005..
Have caught a few episodes...but the finals have only now began...

India 2005
Accidently I discover some Indian Idol 2 episodes online. This is piano round. Here comes a Abhishek Bacchan resembling chap ( only resembling ok no one can look as good as Abhishek!!!.. ) from hydy. And this chap starts off singing the Punju song from Chalte Chalte "Layi vi na gayi" and am spell bound.. I am no music expert.but that boy can real sing well. I checked out
all the videoes yesterday (ok.. really had nothing to do..:) ) A little over-confident perhaps but good. Then there is Amey Date ( and if you have ever seen Sa re ga ma and various Suresh Wadkar students.. you know he is good!)
The two girls surviving, Meenal Jain and Antara Mitra can sing well. Again Antara is from a small town with a strong bangla accent working real hard.

The sad part is Karunya is not getting as many votes..possibly cause people dont watch this stuff so much in south? If you are in des-land...please vote for him.. on my behalf !!

Email Story : Part III (soon to end I promise:) )

continued from " Email Story Part II "


Date: Thu, 1 Jan 2004 12:56:31 -0600
From: "Sumitra Narsmihan" sumi_narsimhan@hotmail.com
To:"Mythili Rangaswami "mranga@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: venkatiah

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Just got up! We went to play pool last night. All those places were having some championships. So ended up back home, junta felt very senti about not doing anything. So we danced :) Kya contrast hai, you go to a discotheque to dance, we dance at home.
Btw I am rolling with laughter imagining Venkatiah (urf venky!). You remember the mama's boy who used to sit in front of us. I was telling Prashant about him and how we used to torture him!


So what's up with this Vineet thing then? I know long distance can be tough. But you know I am in one. Me and Prashant meet once in two months usually na? Of course dude has been crashing here all this month. But of course with junta coming here at random hours my dear hubby has to behave himself :)

Chal dishes beckon me. Prashant cooked all week, at least I can do the dishes.

love
Sumi

Date: Sat, 3 Jan 2004 10:20:15 +0530
From: "Mythili Rangaswami" mranga@yahoo.com
To: "Sumitra Narsmihan" sumi_narsimhan@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: venkatiah


sumi,

arre how is your dear hubby? give him my love (even if he doesn't want it!). agar main hoti, I would crash at your place all the time..just to trouble him.
Ya that Vineet thing is a flop. Am meeting one Mr Ramesh today. He is a doctor or he is still doing his residency in the americas. So lets see. Please remind me again what pluses did I see in this arranged marraige thing? I know I have been arguing for it all our lives. And now am getting cold feet!

waise you and prashant thing is different re. Your parents were friends. And you have known him for kya 6 years now? from NYSS time? And married for 2 years at least na? S o how can it be the same? Its like a arranged cum love marriage. apne aise naseeb kahan.

I was telling amma, why they couldnt have some nice friends like that, with nice sons. So there appears my Mr Ramesh Rajgopal. He is a friend/acquaintance of srini anna. So lets see he must be 2 years elder to us.

ok chal then, have to go shopping with bhabhi and manni. I still don't know why I started calling kartik, bhaiya while I call srini anna. I sure had some confused parents who taught me that!

love
mythi

Date: Sat, 3 Jan 2004 10:22:17 -0600
From: "Sumitra Narsmihan" sumi_narsimhan@hotmail.com
To:"Mythili Rangaswami "mranga@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: venkatiah

Mythi,

Prash passes his love to you , the little that he can spare from me :) He says he does have some left for you, inspite of you pulling his leg over thanksgiving break.

Ramesh haan? Ok girl, you have your fun. You know am no fan of arranged marriage. But if thats what you want to do. Go ahead! Waise your parents must be thrilled na? I guess they musn't have been expecting this.

Aur kya? Nothing much is new here. Prashant has to leave next week, so we are thinking to spend some money and catch a Broadway play before. Don't know last minute mein koi tickets milega kya!

Chal then,
Sumi.


Date: Sun, 4 Jan 2004 10:20:15 +0530
From: "Mythili Rangaswami" mranga@yahoo.com
To: "Sumitra Narsmihan" sumi_narsimhan@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: venkatiah

arre that Ramesh chap is not all that bad. I actually liked talking to him. Hes as big a fan of hindi movies as I! We are planning to watch a movie today evening.
and hes all cool. Quite open about his views. Entirely thrilled :) Can you see me grinning?

By the way our dark past has come back to haunt me in the form of venky!
Usne sidey ne apne mom ke samne sunaya ki how you and me used to trouble him. That we would throw chalks at him. And tease him about being mama's boy :(

So I told aunty, that her son keeps grudges, which is why he is embarasing me now!!
His mom was so cool about it. She said, he just is trying to prove that he isn't a coward anymore :) Woh log aaj subah aaye the. mr venky had gone ponna pakkal with his parents. I didnt ask for details. Its shameful, to do social visiting when you go to meet a girl and all. But apparently there was some confusion with time and they came to Ghatkopar way too early and since they were on East anyway, Venky suggested they drop by. I told Venky exactly what I thought of that. For which he shrugged and said Its all good.. khair jaanede. I am upset with him.

phone ringing.. probably venky to say sorry.. YA right.. am just expecting too much!

love
mythi



Date: Mon, 5 Jan 2004 5:13:34 -0600
From: "Sumitra Narsmihan" sumi_narsimhan@hotmail.com
To:"Mythili Rangaswami "mranga@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: venkatiah


Ramesh sounds like a good guy. You should meet him as often as you can whiel you are there. Waise you must have made up your mind when he said lets go watch a SRK movie :) Arre does Venky still not watch any TV and movies? because they are such a waste of time?

There you go I gave you another reason to fight with him :)

love
sumi

to be continued...

Part II Email Story

continued from " "Email Story I "

Date: Sun, 28 Dec 2003 22:30:45 -0600
From: "Sumitra Narsmihan" sumi_narsimhan@hotmail.com
To:"Mythili Rangaswami "mranga@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: venkatiah

What no reply? Better write before I am convinced you have become a myth!

Sumi

Date: Mon, 29 Dec 2003 12:23:12 +0530
From: "Mythili Rangaswami " mranga@yahoo.com
To: "Sumitra Narsmihan " sumi_narsimhan@hotmail.com
Subject:

sumi,
arre kuch nahi, got stuck with meeting guys and all. Still think this whole process is silly yaar. Met one guy on Thursday, Vineet. He is a software engineer. But he is in Bangalore, he visits US often on Infosys jobs. I don't even know why we are both considering each other. It doesn't makes sense. I will be in Americas for at least a few years.. and arranged marraige mein who wants a long distance relation?

And then he gave me some fundaes about how his mom will always be right, and that he can never go against his parents wishes. What the hell is he talking about? Matlab aise wierd conditions mein koi kyun shaadi karega? I am not expecting to fight with his mother, she seemed like the sweetest woman, but phir bhi? What century is that guy in? The more they become westernized, the more conservative they become seems like!

Venky was telling me that he has already met two girls, and it didnt work out. But hes so cool about all that. He says they have these chats and if things don't seem to be working, you just decide then and there to let it be. WHat a great start? I mean if you don't want even start with some meeting ground, where does he expect it will end?

Anyway, so talked a few more times with Vineet saheb, but dont look like it will work out :(

Sahi hai you guys saw movies and all. And no my bro is no SRK fan, refuses to even come for Munnabhai. He doesn't watch anything other than documentaries on NG. What a bore ! I don't know uska love marraige kaise hua. That guy hardly ever speaks to anyone. Even to Simi bhabhi now!

love
me ( haha, thats what I ask these guys I meet.. love me..:) )


Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 9:29:31 -0600
From: "Sumitra Narsmihan" sumi_narsimhan@hotmail.com
To:"Mythili Rangaswami "mranga@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: venkatiah

Dear Mythee,
BAck to the working grind. These IT people even don't know how to distribute holidays. Thinking of taking a break and going to Calif with Prashant. He still has his winter break going on. These MBA's first pay through their nose for schooling and the world pays through their nose for educating them. He already has two job offers!

Don't worry about all this arranged marriage thing re. Why are you doing this yaar?
Your parents should be quite open to love marraige after two in your family and you are only 24! There is lots of time to fall in love.

On the other hand if you want to go through with this, you are right, stop seeing this Vineet guy. And what? are you and venky exchanging notes? Venky haan? I don't remember anyone calling him that in junior college!

Well boss entered. Better get back to work.

love
Sumi


Date: Thu, 1 Jan 2003 5:44:36 +0530
From: "Mythili Rangaswami" mranga@yahoo.com
To: "Sumitra Narsmihan" sumi_narsimhan@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: venkatiah

HAppy NEW YEAR!!
Guess what I did? I went to a disco here, with my bros, bhabhis, would be bhabis, Venky and his sister.
We danced all night. I had a real New Year Party. Junta in India has really transformmed. I would never have done that in the US. In last two and a half years we have been to the bar kya, a couple of times?
It was crazy. Oh and let me tell you Venkatiah can really dance good. Never expected that!!
Anyway, uski sis kafi cool hai. She is elder to him, doesn't want to get married ever or so she claims. Apparently thats an issue he has to deal with in this arranged marraige context. Although, dunno why anyone should care. She is the epitome of feminism. She is a journalist in the Indian Express. I became totally fida on her.
She was making fun of Venky all the time for being such a good boy etc. Gulty boy gets teased about making money out his marraige all the time.

So what did you guys do for new years? Actually its not new year yet there I guess.
So whats the plan?

mythe

To be continued

Ramblings

Walking towards my office from the coffee shop I looked around.
Every city has a character of its own. People dress differently here from the Midwest. They just don't seem to dress all that brightly here as in the Midwest. All dark coats, grey and black.. smart looking men and women. But no bright colours.

Then splash! Actually it was Whoosh! The truck past me sprayed a whole lot of dust on me. " And dust," All big cities have their share of dust and wind.
The daily routine is such that I walk a lot and think a lot about what I want to write.
Except I never get around to writing it.

I really like to write. But its not writing, I really love to think out loud. Put it out there for some listening ear to catch it. But really, I don't even want to think out loud. How wonderful it would be if I could transmit my thoughts.

I would just think " Loud" and then ramble on into the universe. Some kind soul would happen to say at that time " Listen" and would hear my comic narrations (even if I say so myself!) And then when I get bored with thinking, I would switch to " Listen" and tune into somebodys thoughts. Neat....

Sigh! and what a beautiful dream it was , chaotic perhaps but beautiful all the same :)

Say a little prayer

You know you are in trouble when you read the sign on a door saying " dept of so and so...Welding lab " as "Wedding lab!". It almost makes me sound lonely and desperate.. I say almost, cause in reality am not desperate, lonely..yes.. and that is just due to being a strange city.

Anyway, I have my own solution to all this. Like every good human being, I pray every night for all the wars to end..good things happen to good people. And then I have a secret prayer of my own.. which namely seeks a few miracles, like a husband, two children, a doctrate, a job at a univ in India..( I figured asking for a house to add to that list is way too much, some restraint is due even with greed!) appear lo and behold next morning..

Every night, oh god I say a little prayer for me :)

Derivatives in Real Life

We derive inspiration from those around us.

We derive our aspirations from what is around us.

We derive pleasure from our surroundings.

We are the derivatives of our familiy's hopes and fears. (so, Mike and the Mechanics tell me in the Living Years!)

Whence do I belong?

There are two ways to kinds of travellers in this world (very soon I will outdo no of times Amitabh says in Hum, "do tarah ke cockroach hote hain..." )

There are those who do in Rome as Romans do. There are those who are a Roman no matter where they are !

Its hard to decide which is the better way. Probably the best one can say is that there is no better way!

As an Indian in India (who has never been anywhere much ) I had a certain impressions Indians from America visiting India. " Why do they have to be so American? Why do they say fast instead of faast? Why do they need toilet paper and Bisleri everywhere they go?"

As a legal non-resident alien in America ( I mean the United States really!) I have another impression of Indians in America. I think " why are they so Indian? Why don't they mingle more? The same old gatherings, where you might see one or two Americans? Still adhering to same old traditions"

Ya ya, I am stereotyping here, but its really only an impression, a feeling , not completely without grounds !

So then I wonder, who am I? Am I an Indian? I defintely say fast more often than faast. I try to fit in somewhat but still am stuck to age old conservatives, which are derivatives of being an Indian.

I am afraid I am caught in a time warp. I am afraid by the time I am settled here, I will be going back to my home country. I am afraid that by the nothing will be hte same there. It already isn't.

So there is no escaping the truth. I am an Indian in the Americas!

Money Money Money...

" Must be funny in the rich man's world!" sing Abba.

I realised that I will always poor. I have a middle class mentality. Why?
So I overheard (actually I could have been a part.. but ever so often I have nothing to say!) a conversation about someone buying a friend a pair of jeans worth 150 dollars. Someone who probably makes a little bit more than me possibly. I realized that even if I was a millionaire I could never buy really expensive clothes.

Sure, I can imagine buying an expensive gift, but designer clothes just dont sound right to me! I can still remember that I had once recieved a 1000 rupee scholarship, and decided I will buy myself a really expensive salwaar kameez. I had to make my friends take me to expensive stores. And it took me a whole lot of effort to buy that dress. I still have it of course, and it was totally worth it. (this was a few years ago when 1000 rupees was worth much more!).

I suppose everybody has his/her taste for expensive things. I can really spend on buying gifts, buying electronics, something random on a whimsy, CDs, etc.
But still I think I will never be rich!

H two O

Flowing river has a strange calming effect. As I watch past huge tables, through the high windows of the library, into the slowly treading waters of Boston, shinning bright in the sunshine, I feel at peace.

I wonder how water flowing down the mountains through Ganga looks ever consuming, while the small stream trickling off the mountains at khandala tempt you to get wet without fear.

Have had these strange feeling at times when I stare at huge chunk of water of being drawn into it, the feeling is over-powering. Perhaps humans were really meant to be amphibians, perhaps we moved way too inland.

Sad then that I cannot swim (inspite of taking classes), sad that I never learnt to sail a boat or walk into the ocean and let the waves tease me.

No, life is not short enough that these dreams are never realised. But I kind of understand those few who do indulge in taking the plunge.

Pastries, cheese and coffee

These are things I crave for. Smell and sight of certain food have an ability of numbing the practical mind.

But why is it so often that the taste doesn't live upto the smell of it? Coffee never tastes as good, even though I am into becoming an addict soon.
How come pastries, which look beautiful as you dream about them ( inspite of most of dreams these days involving a warmer room , I do day dream occasionally about other things!) very rarely taste as good.

On the other hands, one can remember the taste of best dessert one had, or the taste of the spiciest food. The flavour lingers on. And you can recall it whenever you want to, with no bad aftertastes!

Life is like that, very much close to what Mr Steele says in the conversation posted before. Not everything is upto our expectations, and then there are those cherished times, which stay with us always!

weathering heights

Its insanely cold out.. Its cold in my room.. :( Change of cities, no change in weather but its almost a new life.
Its like being back in Bombay again, travelling half hr for work. Except its cooooooold..
Change in life is expected. But expected or unexpected its hard to accept.. at least for me..but then, every time after the first few days of complaining I settle down and hate to leave.
Thats probably a pattern hard to change, I would rather crib now than hate living here always :) If you didnt realize by now, its really cold out and am wrapped up in blankets while writing this....The sunny bright days though decieving are most welcome.

self

Its the first time that I have deleted a post on this blog because I didn't like what I wrote. So anyone who might have happened to have read it over the last 24 hours, knows what am talking about..

It was a moment of weakness, a moment of self obsessing. And now when I read it, its entirely repulsive. Its kind of strange that
* Being positive about self is good, but you shouldn't be snooty about it.
* looking into oneself is good, but being self centered is not.
* being in love with one's personality isn't bad at all, but stop being narcsisitic.

And then I wonder about all this morality business.. Why did I get disgusted with my momentary self obsession? Why do I think its wrong or distasteful?
Eventually every action is really selfish in its own way or selfless, its how you percieve it and how directly you stand to gain..

ps : i still love my haircut though..:)

Steeling away :)

Steele :"Look Laura, There are only two ways to go through life. Like you, the mathematics student, expecting to find your universe in perfect working order, demanding too much of yourself and everyone around you finding yourself disappointed at every turn.

Or like me, the wanderer, entitled to nothing, not even parents. Finding myself surprised when something does go right or somebody pats me on the back instead of kicking me on the teeth "

Laura:" Where do you get the strength to try when you don't think you'll succeed ?"


Steele :"And where do find the strength to pick yourself up time and time again when you let yourself down?"

Laura:"I believe in myself"

Steele: " And I believe in whoever I am at the moment. And when that doesn't work anymore I become someone else!"

Laura:"Teach me that and we can run away from all this mess"

Steele: " I was hoping you would teach me to stand up and fight"


Have to tell you there is more to Remington Steele than meets the eye:)

PS : When I couldn't come up with anything intelligble, I begged, borrowed and STEELED...

Still stuck on movies

My alltime favourite movie is "Before Sunrise". The idea is exteremely romantic and far fetched, two strangers meeting in the train and hitting it off straight away.
The movie is about the one day they spend together, Ethan Hawke playing an American on Europe trip. And Julie Delphy on her way back to work meet on the train and Julie agrees to take off with Ethan to roam Vienna..
The whole movie is a bunch of interesting conversations. I just loved the movie, I can still remember a lot of things they talked about. In todays time, it could be a blog.
Don't think my friends liked it as much. But if you are a romantic at heart and love to listen.. this is a good watch:)

Interestingly the two actors got back together after 10 years to make the sequel before sunset. Its real time in terms of movie, which is cool. The ending is slightly disappointing. But there never can be a good ending to such stories.

Don't know why I was reminded of this movie but there you go.

Lets go to the movies

Do I have to write about every movie I watch? No definetely not.

Whether I will? Guess guess!! (tell no gopi tell no.. for anyone who might have seen Gopi Kishan!)

I would love to share with you all two movies I saw recently.. ( aah I can see people really brightening up to read this post now :) )
The Squid and the Whale
Its a two hour movie about a year in the life of a couple who are breaking up. So what's new about that? The couple has been married 16 years or something, have a 14 and a 9 year old offspring.
My two cents, worth a watch on afterthoughts. Immediately after the movie I could only feel depressed ( its too realistic!) and angry that how can people be so self-centered what kind of example they are setting their children?
On second thoughts, it makes you realize how much our parents really influence us in the way we think? All of our lives we try to be different from them, and yet we are so much a part of them! (more than just literally!) Good job by all actors!
Warning! Don't expect an ending, with such a storyline.. there is no ending!

Up Close and Personal

Very mush mush, not really my kind of movie. Yet I loved it!
Its the usual storyline, rags to riches, falling in love with mentor, marrying him..etc
What was good? It was about reporters. I almost wished I had been brave enough to become a journalist. On second thoughts, I suppose if I really wanted it I would have done it. Its hard to know when you are making these choices though! BTW thats partly what made me love the movie. Its really about television reporting, buts its all good :)
Another plus is the chemistry between Robert Redford and Michelle Pfiefer (probably spelt it wrong!). Its wonderful when a couple can be on the same page, all along in their relationship. Very refereshing to watch about a couple who doesn't spend time feeling insecure about each other.. (guess that just wasn't the point of the movie :))

Ok, I now sigh with relief for penning it down. Been thinking about this for a few days now. Is this a blog or a confessional? or what? :)

Ramblings

* I think Spider man is extremely realistic. Why else would it take a guy superhuman strength to profess his love?

* Is infatuation the first step towards falling in love? If so, why do people try to nip teenage love in the bud?

* I saw the graduate recently. My friend had told me that I wouldn't like it :) I can tell him proudly that inspite of the story, I loved the movie direction and great execution of good dialogues.. So as a matter of fact, I liked it !

* There are some songs which I like without really getting what the person is trying to say in the song. And then someday something happens, the song flashes back and I am totally feeling the song !!!
An example, take this song written by Joni Mitchell, i have only heard hte version sung by Paul young and Clannad.

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons ev’rywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on ev’ryone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev’ry fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living ev’ry day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all
I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

Fantasy

This huge craving I have for sweets results in me going to the halwai dukkan every day. Day in day out visiting leads to love of course. Before you know I am married to my dear motu halwai. I can imagine what happens ten years hence. He has a huge belly, he has a definitely a huge mustache. I sit at the counter looking after the finances (after all the math has to be used somewhere!).

In the mornings before the shop opens I stare at him lovingly, my motu halwai, stirring the huge kadhai filled with ghee. I will pour the besan while he stirs the liquid mixture.
Then there they will be, perfect mysore paks like mom makes.

In the afternoon, the shop closes for an hour. I make fresh chappatis for him. We will have a good meal, shared in silence. And then he presents me with a new sweet he has made. He puts the first piece ever tasted into my mouth. I critically assess it, and as always its perfect.

Around 4 the schools will end. In among other children who will pour in to buy sweetmeats, come in our children, chunnu, munni, gulu, nilu, vinu and sonu.
I will take them into the kitchen, serve them lunch. Then of course, they will also be included in partaking of the new sweet.

Evenings, the shop would be run completely by my dear motu halwai, while I look after the children.

Finally its night. After cleaning up, as we lay down to sleep, I remember the taste of the mithai I had in the afternoon. Tired and happy I sleep like a log waiting for another day to come :)

getting old

Lately realize that lot of people complain about being old. People in their late twenties complain about nearing thirties. People in their thirties complain about being in their thirties and so on..

I was trying to remember when was it that I was totally thrilled to be getting older.. perhaps the first 20 years of my life. They were a bliss. In school it would be fun going into new class and I loved getting new textbooks, new stories in the english book to read ( sure I was bookish then like always!) . First day of the school of the new year was always exciting, then rest of the year one could look forward to the summer holidays. Growing up was fun.

20-25 just disappeared, I actually forgot what my age was for a few years. Had to think everytime somebody asked me how old I was! Quite funny actually. Its a nice time when there is so much to look ahead too, see your future takings shaping.

After 25 for some reason things just start slowing down. The disillusionment sinks in. Its the first time when a kid called me aunty I realised that I was getting old!
Of course my cousin nephew (cousin's son) still refuse to call me Athai inspite of my several pleas unless he wants favours out of me.


Shrug! Big deal, so I have lived at least a quarter of my life. Ok, to be exact couple more than quarter. Lets see what the future has in store. Perhaps it won't be all that disappointing after all :)

some people have got

loving fears

"Maybe he went by me on the street and I just missed him"

"Maybe I didnt notice her, because I busy oggling at the girl in the short skirt"

"Perhaps I would have fallen in love with her, given time. Why did she have to move?"

" Was he the one? He just introduced me to his would be wife.. and I am wondering what if it was him?"

loving hopes

" She certainly didn't love me. But am sure someone will."

"Oh, so what if he doesnt feel the same way about him. I'll wait... how long can my Prince Charming elude me "

And then there are the love stories. The ones that were never expressed, the ones told out loud in public. The ones which were accepted, the rejected ones. There are ones with two peoples, ones with one person, ones with more than 2 people.

Every story is different, every couple has one. Some people have more than one,
some none...

Obsession

I thinking currently I have two obsessions. Have to watch one episode of Remington Steele every night no matter what. And have to read blogs, and come up with stuff to write.
Why does every new thing have to be an obsession with me? In case of writing its a age old obsession which surfaces on and off given enough fuel. For a while my obsession was reading shouts on desi-radio. I made several e-friends via DR. cool!
Now am obsessed with blogging. I want write something, no matter how nonsensical everyday.
Yesterday I decided I would write only "meaningful"(aah I can see you grin when u read the next line!) things, so I came up with a story.
Now am upset cause no one leaves comments on stories apparently.
Then I have to remember my cousins famous words, etched in my memory " Write about things that you feel, about people you know, real life experiences."
Still can't do it. If I make my story too real, will it still be interesting? If it happened to me, would I want to tell you about it? and why would anything interesting ever happen to me? shrug!
Back to my topic.. I think I suffer from obsessive syndrome, whether its a disorder I will let you decide. Still waiting for the day when I can truely obsess about what I do for a living!!

love?????

He was pretty good looking. That chap who worked on the 5th floor. Everyday I would go to restaurant for a cup of tea at 8:35. And there he would be sitting at the same old table. Drinking his coffee reading the newspaper. Stripes shirt, blue tie, brown briefcase.

I grew fond of him. I would sit two tables across from him sipping my cup of tea, stealing glances at him, pretending to read my M &B while he would read the Times of India. And then five minutes to 9 we would both get up, pay our bills and take the flight up the lift. He would get off at 5th floor and I on the 7th (top one!).

I noticed little things about him, how he would never hold the handle of the mug but hold it with both hands clutching on to the warmth on cold mornings.
How he would open his cigarette case, fiddle with the cigarettes and put them back in. Never smoking any of it. The case was always full. Then before paying the bill he would stare at his wallet a full 20 seconds.

Oh God, I was in love with him. He had a receeding hairline, he was just a tweed taller than me and looked prone to putting on weight. But oh god, I loved him.
He would smile at him, as I would enter the restaurant. And we would chat our way up on the lift (elevator!) Just the usual hellos, hope your day is good on the 30 second ride.

And then it happened. One day I came to the restaurant and didn't see him. I wondered. Worried more when I didn't see him the next day and the day after and the day after... Who would I ask? I didn't even know his name!

Two whole weeks went by, I almost got used to getting disappointed every morning.
And then I saw him, back at the same table. My heart skipped a beat. He smiled and I smiled back. So many questions and so much to say and only a 30 second lift ride ! And then I saw another guy pat his back, "Hey Raj" Ah I thought his name is Raj! So how was your honeymoon? Did you have fun at Kulu Manali?"

A tea stained saree, a few tear drops and a few missed heartbeats was all I was left with.

and why exactly are you helping me?

Humanity, helping those in need is a good virtue. Or so I have been told.
Personally I think I help people (if and when) for selfish reasons, it makes me feel good.

But lately I wonder why anyone helps anyone?

Context? I have been having problems with setting up Wireless on my Linux. My cousin just told me its to be expected because people don't want to make wireless drivers for linux because of some Microsoft ghapla (shady work!).
Anyway, I started posting questions on Mandriva Linux forums . Bless those kindly souls who kept answering my irritating questions. Eventually I managed with their help to get it working.
I was just thinking now, what motive could anybody have to share their knowledge free of cost?

Its probably in a way sad that I have even thought of that question. I have to wonder why the rest of the world isn't just a forum where anyone can ask a question and people will answer?

Rumor has it!!

Ignore the Italics if you want to see this movie. If not read on!

So what's worse
A man sleeping with three women in the family? to be specific, woman, her mother and her daughter!
or
that none of them loved him?

That is what came to mind after watching this new Jennifer Aniston Flick, a sequel to the Graduate.

Hero Worship

I have always had a hero to look up to (some form or the other). As female I should probably look for women as my role models, but let's shelve that discrepancy.

As a kid, and for a several year into my teenage years my brother was my hero.
I think I still look upto him, but that blind worship and immitation has disappeared into a strong friendship. My obsession with cricket is thanks to him. My affinity to electronics (even though I suck at physics and really have no knowledge of circuitry)
is because of his real knowledge ! There are probably several small mannerisms that I immitated as a kid. I think my handwriting has some resemblance to his :)

My other hero for past decade has been Rahul Dravid. Sure, his looks were a consideration :) but truly, you can't see much person in their cricket gear. All I can remember is falling in love with his cut shots and his style of playing the hook close to the ground! I am no cricket expert, but I loved his shots. Before writing this post I should have probably checked up on his biography.

But here is my reason for looking up to him. When he came into the national team, everybody was impressed by his technique. But he failed to make a impression on the one day style of the game. In fact he made a very strong negative impression in regards to his approach to the game. But since a few years now, he has been a world-class player in both forms of the game. He has won matches for India and has very much been a team player.

As is tradition in the US of celebrating all occasions on the weekends. This post is a
Birthday Greeting for the current Indian Captain, who became 33 on Jan 11th.
Here is wishing him Several laurels and wins for India in the coming years.

Dost

I was reminded of this stuff thanks to this blog I read today on Catharsis of the Contrived Mind about Friends. Had to post it of course :)

You remember well the first day you saw your friend sitting on the bench
in the park. She dusted off the leaves and asked you to come sit by and
talk to her 'cause you looked like you had lots to talk about. Soon enough
it became a ritual, the dusting off of leaves to make a place for you.
Then its became so natural that she stopped dusting off the leaves 'cause
she knew you would come and sit beside her. Eventually one day you noticed
that if you had to go talk you would have to dust the bench. Now you
weren't sure whether you were still welcome or not. So next day you just
stood nearby, spoke a few words. Your friend thought you were in a hurry
and didn't think she should ask, you would have told her if something was
troubling you. Slowly the chats became shorter and your friend wasn't sure
what went wrong, neither were you. Soon enough you walk by the bench on
an evening to see it empty, and you know it in your heart that there is a very dusty glass wall between the two of you. So the friendship went
sour, who knew whose fault it was! Talking might have helped but then
again, who knows!

Surely though its just as natural that you sit by the
bench one evening and your friend ( ex friend perhaps) passes you by and
you smile at her, dust the leaves next to you and she comes and sits
besides you. Its like you've always been friends even when those weeks when
the bench was empty. And it all fits in like a jigsaw puzzle. Friendships
are like that, you just need to remember to dust off time.

Philosophy

I am not much of a philosopher. Its hard to say deep meaningful things. Here are some philosophies stolen from movies, ghazals (a form of hindi/urdu poetry) and my favourite television series. The idea is to add to it as and when I encounter more

This one is from a very crappy Hindi movie "Om Jai Jagdish".
So Jai says or at least the gist of it " Everybody seems to be unhappy. But stories are supposed to end happily. So if everyone is not happy this cannot be the end!"

Here is another one, Remington Steele telling Laura a story. Remington worked with this Marcus ( he was then but 12 years old) and these bunch of people worked hard, and the ship/tanker which was supposed to make them rich blew up right in front of them. Morose and sad they all were, but soon Marcus started laughing and
when this enraged 12 year old asked him why? " Think about the possibilties, extranjero ! Everything is new now. You get to have a fresh start, do it all from the beginning. How exciting! "

Finally here are the first some lines from Javed Akhtar's Ghazal sung by Jagjit sing

Sach hai yeh, bekar humein gham hota hai
Its true, we feel sad unnecessarily.

Jo chaha, duniya mein kam hota hai
What you want, happens very rarely in this world.

gairon ko kab fursat hai dukh dene ki
When do strangers have the time to give you pain?

jab hota hai koi humdum hota hai
Sach yeh hai bekar humein gham hota hai.

When it happens, its a dear one.
It is true, we feel sad unnecessarily

Swades, my country, my homeland

One has to step out of the comfort of one's home to realize what it really meant. Ever since I have been on American soil I have come to appreciate my home country more and more. Its not that I dislike being here. There are good parts to it.
But there is never a sense of belonging, never a sense that I am allowed to be here! I have to carry my passport to prove that I have a right to be here.

Perhaps I have only learnt it the hard way what freedom really means. I have freedom of speech but my right to say things doesn't mean a bit. I am not allowed to vote here. Good or bad, poor or rich I have a say in my home country.
I am not questioned about stepping my foot on any part of the soil. I belong there. I can vote, even if my favourite party will not get elected.

Its not just family that makes home. Its more than that. There is always my loving family to go back to. But the craving to go back is much more than that. Its this deep feeling instilled in me of being on the foreign soil, that I heave a sigh of relief when I enter the Indian soil. I think to myself, they cannot possibly stop me from entering. Its just that single feeling which surpasses anything.

Then I have to remind myself, why does this happen? Is it just the whole buisness of borders, visas, immigrant laws that causes it. Would I enjoy being in a foreign country more if I believed I had a right to be here? What and when did we decide that man, woman or child were bound by birth to a peice of land? Why do we have to pledge our loyality a whole big estate to to use the land covered by our two feet? Would things have been different if there really was such a concept as one world, one mind?

We all have a natural sense of belonging I think, to the place we are born, to our house, to our family, to our immediate community. But is the sense of belonging naturally strong enough to make sense out of us and them, mine and theirs ?
Torn between a desire to go back home and wanting to be at peace with being away from home, my mind ponders and comes up with zilch!

Words Words Words

"You think that I don't even mean a single word I say.
It's only words, and words are all I have, to take your heart
away." sing The BEEGEES

"
Words! Words! I'm so sick of words!
I get words all day through;
First from him, now from you! Is that all you blighters
can do?
Don't talk of stars Burning above; If you're in love,
Show me!" cries out loud Eliza Doolittle

""A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings
of silver,"
and, "An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind
word cheers him
up" (Proverbs 12:25; 25:11, NIV).
So tells me a Google Search

What is the big deal? What power does this fourlettered thing
called WORD really have?
Can I really ever pen down exactly what I am thinking?
And can you read this passage and understand what I am
thinking?
Isn't everything I write garbled by the different speed
of thinking and writing?
And garbled by everything I have written or read before this?

And you, my dear reader? When you read this, you think of
everything you have read before ?
Everything written by me and others before. Of everything you
have thought before!

So how many meanings are we attaching to this poor
letters strung together by a very simple binding force
A THOUGHT, which probably was all contained in the
title anyway?

Strangers

I still remember him fairly well. Don't remember completely what we talked about but I know I enjoyed our conversation. Before you start thinking in the lines of an ex-romance tell... I have to tell you I am talking about this guy I met on the plane once. He's married with two children :)

I met him on the plane coming to US. He was returning from Iraq, he was an American soldier. Well not somebody who would be at the front fighting, but somebody in the Army and close to the war anyway.

Strangely enough we didn't talk much about the war. Mostly we talked about our lives. I had an amazingly long interesting conversation with a complete stranger. We are probably same age, but thats about all we might have had in common. He was probably talking to a civilian who spoke English after a long time and I was just bored from travelling alone for the hundreth time. All this speculation still doesn't explain the connection. Especially since I go around saying how reserved I am :) Like all these friendships, we exchanged email addresses, I lost his and am sure he lost mine!

Made me remember all the strangers who turned into friends only to change back to strangers, all in the span of 24 hr journey from Bombay to Bangalore. There were no surprises on the route. Perhaps a rare stop at Monkey Hill. Maybe ate an idli at Vadi. Failed to count the tunnels right inspite of being on that train so many times. Most of those journeys have faded in my memory. The ones I remember are thanks to the people I met on the way.

I remember this Gujju couple who fed me all the way to Bangalore once. The guy was extremely talkative. He was taking his pregnant wife to his in-laws for her delivery. With him was his ever-so shy friend who was going back to meet and probably to bring back his wife to Bangalore with him. This guy kept on and on about everything, he even made a comment on South Indians leaving their daughters unwed for too long. This was much to my amusement, probably 23 then, single and travelling alone. He told me that it was no surprise that they ran with some random guy with all the freedom their parents gave them. As I guessed this would be father was a year younger to me. But all in all they were extremely nice. It was fun to listen to him tease and trouble his giggly wife.

Then there was a Marathi family travelling to Tirupathi. There was this elderly man, his wife and his son. I remember that they were going for their son's wedding or something of that sort.
They taught me to play Judgement, a card game. Sadly for me, they got off much before Bangalore. It was still 'course a whole lotta fun playing cards all the way.

There have been other notable strangers on the way. Some I forget, others I vaguely remember. All made their mark. I have to wonder though if any ever remember me?

The Unattainable

I have just come to realize that there is nothing more attractive than the unattainable.
Isn't it natural that we want the exact thing we cannot have? The brave, or the ambitious will correct me here and tell me there is no such thing as unattainable.
But an average person will answer back saying that there is. There are mountains that cannot be climbed because its just foolhardy. There are people you can never hope to meet, like the ones who shoot up on your screen just because it only happens in fairy tales ( nothing wrong in believing it can happen, but dont be disappointed if it doesnt :) ). There are certain seas you can never cross cause its not feasible in this life to build a boat strong enough.
There are problems you shouldn't attempt as a graduate student for the department will not support you forever. There are lucrative offers which cannot be accepted because of the family you will have to leave behind.

There is a catch to every goal that we seek. Sometimes its in small letters and a very small price to pay. Sometimes its in big bold letters which says You will regret this decision.
A smart person is one who can tell when its in bold and when its all in small letters.
Which brings me back to my point, sometimes present unsatisfaction can bring you peace with inner concience for life.

I write this passage with some thought in mind. Which I don't expect anyone to figure out.
Chances are whatever it is you figured out is probably tangential to what I am thinking. But that is the beauty of words, you put a few together and you have lesson for life which applies to everyone with completely different meanings.

Email Story - Part I

Date: Mon, 21 Dec 2003 7:48:50 +0530
From: "Mythili Rangaswami " mranga@yahoo.com
To: "Sumitra Narsmihan " sumi_narsimhan@hotmail.com
Subject:

Hi there,
Got here fine. Those shady Air India people didn't let me get off at London for the hundredth time now.
Really don't think I will travel them again. Yahan pe everyone was thrilled as usual. Bhabi no.1 has gotten slightly more plump now :) Ya, you guessed it, she's three months preganant. And those guys kept it a secret from me!! I made lot of scene about it. Was fun :)
Tera kya chal raha hai? How your boss treating you? you working Christmas kya? Woh to ekdum height hoga.
Was checking out movies on TOI.. now have to con somebody to come with me..
Oye btw guess whom I met on my flight here? Arre you remember Venkataih in from our school?
The jasmine oil dude? Hes become major pseud now.
Chal amma is calling for breakfast...dosas to eat today :)
write back soon.. take care
love
Mythili



Date: Tue, 23 Dec 2003 23:30:00 -0600
From: "Sumitra Narsmihan" sumi_narsimhan@hotmail.com
To:"Mythili Rangaswami" mranga@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: your mail

Hi Madam,
You keep eating dosas and no man will marry you.. motee ho jayegi :) ( I don't care.. kitna stupid ad tha!) Anyways looks like you are njoying yourself. Me and the gang are planning to do something for Christmas.. probably do a movie night. No yaar, you know we got this forced close down next week. Thank god for that!!
Those stupid folks on my project in India don't want to take a break. Painful people.
Anyway, howz guy search going on? koi mila kya? Arre, what was Venkatiah doing on the flight? How does he look now? Did he tell you " Mythili you are too much only!" haha
Chal, write back and be sure to check out SRKs new movie :)
love
sumi

Date: Wed, 24 Dec 2003 12:35:20 +0530
From: "Mythili Rangaswami" mranga@yahoo.com
To: "Sumitra Narsmihan" sumi_narsimhan@hotmail.com
Subject: venkatiah


You won't believe it Sumi, but Venkatiah just called. Btw.. hes called Venky now :) or maybe he was before too.. who knows. He looks ok, still on the plump side but kafi tall hai.
Arre, he's in Seattle. Dude is doing Ph.D. in Pharma.. Not a Software engineer like us for a a change :) Waise, his family is Bombay too! Apparently they are girl-hunting man.
Its so unfair yaar. These guys will come look at girls and then if they agree they just marry them off. Those stupid girls will happily leave their jobs/lives here and got to the US.
Ask a guy to do the same and they look at you like you are mad. Really don't think this arranged marraige thing is for me. Waise bhi I will only get to meet boy's families.. Seriously thinking of ditching the whole plan now!!!
And ya me and my dear would be sis in law no.2, Minnu Manni (how that rhymes !) went shopping. Shes quite cool. And conned her into going to that Munnabhai MBBS thing, which is releasing next week. Now if only my bro can get the tickets. Oye what SRK movie are you talking about?
How was your movie night? Arre ask junta to write. Am actually very lukha here. Strange not to have to go to work etc.. and all the junta here is busy on weekdays :(
love
myth.. haha.. this is a good nick :)

Date: Thu, 25 Dec 2003 19:15:07 -0600
From: "Sumitra Narsmihan" sumi_narsimhan@hotmail.com
To:"Mythili Rangaswami "mranga@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: venkatiah

Dear Ms mythology, mythyeous.. what a myth u r !
Yeh Venkatiah ka kya chakkar hai? calling you up now is he? whyd you give him you number? ;)
arre we saw all of Godfather series and some stupid hindi movies.. by the end only me, Nikhil and Mrinal were up :) Pura night out we put!
oye, ask your mom to send some nice namkeen with you.. four more weeks to go.. enjoy it. How the hell did you con your boss to give you five weeks ? He must be real fida on you.
Haan this funda of you not getting to meet guys is a pain.. but come on, I thought you were totally up for the arranged marraige thing. Did you get any rishteys yet or not? What happened to your I am only for Arranged marraige attitude?
BTw why are you not taking Simran bhabhi with you? (waise tera bhai bhi srk fan hai kya? just striked me ddlj etc..!)
Sumi
PS : I presumed there must be some SRK movie releasing, what with his greatest fan visiting India:) Well its no fun watching Hindi movies here without you. Everyone makes fun and whats the point if you are not here to take all the jokes seriously and feel offended!

Sinner

Oh my lord, forgive me for I have sinned. I have succumbed to gluttony.
Everytime I crave for that little bit of cheese, the smells throw me into the hollows of Pizza hut.
Everytime I crave for sugar, I am standing in front of that counter at the coffee shop; contemplating whether to buy the apple turnover, the muffin, the fruit danish or the brownie.
Everytime I smell coffee, there I am back again at the counter of my favourite coffee shop.
Forgive me my lord, cause I cannot bring this soul to stop from sinning.

My Red Coloured Love

I guess the moral gurus teach us not to love material things. And yet here I am still in love with my first red bycycle. My uncle bought me my own peice of metal with two wheels when I was 10 and she (he if you prefer!) was my prized possesion. I use the term possesion losely here :) I suppose my uncle driven by the series of comic accidents that I caused with my borrowed cycles was almost forced to get me my own thing.

I was truly and deeply proud (again a virtue which is more of sin I suppose!). Proud of the fact that I could lift her up the stairways quite easily. Proud of the fact that she had the most shiniest steel handles ever. Proud more so that Monsoon after Monsoon left her unrusted!

Its funny how this pair of wheels gave me a feeling of independence. If am late coming home from a friend's place I just say " I'll be fine, I got my cycle today!." Distances or the word far were a thing of the past. In no way am I exagerrating here .

She was my friend for all the best decade of my life !! And then we had to part ways. My parents didn't think she ought to take the journey to Bangalore. So now she, ( I hope she still does) belongs to the Mess worker ( a very sweet young woman) from my hostel. I hope she still runs good and takes her owner places !!!

I tried to relive that life. Bought another cycle just like her. She was quite a beauty. Except how often does it happen that we take our most prized things for granted and one lax of attention leaves us cursing ourselves for lifelong. Having taken supreme care of my new bike (isn't that what Americans call it?) for about a year, I started taking her for granted. Forgot how pretty and shiny she looks and left her out to the mercy of bikenappers :(

I never got a chance to express my remorse and this little piece is to make my peace with her loss. And this blog is to remind me that there is no such thing as too much caution!

A late introduction

I have been writing this stuff up for a while. Wasn't sure where it was going really. Finally all that blog reading kind of got to me. There is nothing I enjoy more than writing and what's the point if no one I know ever reads this :)
So here is a fun blend of fact and fiction. If you can tell which is which, you know more than me!!!

Stolen Childhoods

My blog is turning into a review of documentaries/movies I watch. Not the intention but I have to talk about this one I saw a few weeks back. Mostly cause its making me buy Fair Trade Coffee everywhere.
The above titled documentary is about child labour. Its difficult to watch these documentaries. Mostly cause all I did was sit and watch and thats what I have been doing all my life. So what did I do after watching the documentary. I buy Fair Trade coffee, for its supposed to give the farmers a honest price for their coffee.
A small change. May not make a difference. The intention is there, the action will come. I believe so anyway!

Goodbyes and Farewells

Goodbye is a strange word. Its a word I use everyday and there is so little meaning attached to it. I always say goodbye with the expectation of seeing the person again. Maybe not today, not tomorrow but sometime in future. There is never much thought attached to when that "again" will happen.

Its probably better that way. The concept of saying goodbye to someone expecting never to see them again is alien to me. You might tell me that one never gets disappointed that way. But, I can say the same for my current stratergy. What joy can come out of dwelling into the percentages or probablities of meeting again? I believe its always more than 0 and lets leave it at that!

The Constant Gardner

The previous post was orignally written months ago. I was reminded of it because of this movie I saw recently called the Constant Gardner starring Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weiss ( I think that is her name! ). It reminded me of Born in Brothels. For starters this movie is not really a documentary, its in fact based on a novel by John Le Carre. Its more than 2 hours long and running in the big cinemas and not art theaters.

And yet I have to tell you the similarities. For starters its shot like a documentary. Something that struck me different was about how they used bright colours when the shot the locales in Africa and the little part shot in England/Europe seemed more greyish. Maybe it was deliberate on the part of the director. Or better still it was just the effect of the storyline ! In any case, no point in digressing, its again based in a third world country. And is in fact about the conspiracy of big corporations which are making use of the poverty/lack of awareness in these countries to fulfill their agenda in the name of social work.

The plot of the movie is set in the background of a love story which runs strong all through the movie. Its probably not everyone's cup of tea and you might argue that its not half as great as I potray it here. But thats far from what I want say.

The movie yet again depicts the poverty stricken side of a third world country but it also brings into light how much power of money / colour/ knowledge is being and can be misused.

I worry about these things more because am a part of this world. I am not poor but I have seen poverty around me. It reminds us to do our part in the society. Fix the little things we can fix!

Most of all I will remember this line from the movie "I cannot help them all, but I can help this one!"

Born in Brothels :The Documentary

What is it with phlianthropy and controversy? I am writing this in reference with the documentary I saw an hour ago (well this was written a few months ago!). Minutes out of the theater I heard different impressions of the people who saw it. Comments which were cut short of explained implied the need to search the internet. Lo and behold, a whole bag of sour grapes, praises and other points of view are unleashed.
This is piece seems to be more an attempt at being eloquent. Its really an attempt to give vent to anger and frustration of this urge to interpret. I do not know the woman who made the movie, I donot know what happened to the children whose lives she set out to improve. I do not if there were bad repurcursions for the children. I would have hoped the people who made an outcry against the merits of the movie had given me more facts to ponder on. I do not know whether people who cry out that the movie was a third world bashing, an attempt to be noble to win accolades. Of course I feel outraged that it is my country about which this woman is talking. It is the poor and the prostutites there she is talking about. Its the beauracracy there that she is making fun of. But, its nothing I have never been aware of. Why, you probably hear every Indian making fun of the red tape in their homeland, crib about the corruption, the poverty and the lack of sympathy to the poor.
On the other hand, this is all that is being potrayed to the Western World. It is this picture of my country that wins an Academy awards. And like a comment I read on the net, the money need to help them is raised by pictures of their poverty. So of course, the outrage is understandable. What is not clear is what these people who cry against this film really want? Do they want a share of the limelight? Do they wish they had made the movie? I am sure there are hundreds of legal problemswith the movie. And whether the movie not being shown in India is with bad intents or good, I fail to see.
In fact, give me any thoughtline on this movie and I will find some merit in a some part of it to agree with it. Its not a projection of my lack of opinion but the fact that there is only a thin line between good and bad intentions.
All I can say for sure is that it took a brave woman to make that movie. As documentaries go, its well made. Most of all it made me think, rethink what my country is like. Also, as an after thought we that criticize and comment on the movie could never have done anything she did. Good or bad result she tried, something we all fail to do. If this movie makes a few more people try, who knows that academy award will become more than well deserved.