Memories

Turning into an insomaniac..ok not really..but currently cannot sleep. Suddenly was reminded of this
one wonderful summer I had with my cousins..when I was 14 I think.

I loved every minute of it. They were all older to me..anywhere by months to a decade. It was rare..what with school and everything that we all be at the same place at the same time. But once in a while it would and we would have a great time. Technically speaking I think they thought they had a great time, making fun of me..and teasing me. Me being the youngest one. But they probably didnt realize how much I enjoyed all this teasing. I just loved all of them, and really in their own way they were giving me all this attention ( I was attention craver as a kid..maybe I still am :) ).

All in all, we had good fun. Now we are all grown up..some are married with children. And who knows if ever we will be able to hang out together..all of us at the same time, And yet these memories that we created will remain forever in our minds. And I will have company on those boring nights when insomania strikes :)

Just a (few) thought(s)

...I want my left and right hand to meet behind my back. But they refuse too..even though they are perfectly cordial when I can see them !

... Its a man's world. You want to fit in, be a man.. If you want to be special..be a woman !


...One can be rooted like a tree and let the scenary change around them. Or one can keep moving, like a bird..building a nest at every new place, never expecting permanancy.
In either case..Change happens.

...I admire people who can get over their broken hearts..who understand how its not the end of the world. I can not understand those who actually end their world on that account.

...Nostalgia is a dangerous things. It plays tricks on our minds. It convinces us that life will never be the same again!

D**** the five letter word

Dear Diary,

I saw a strange movie. I walked out of the theater telling my friends how I liked the movie.
Then they pointed out how it was all about death..Even though the ending was happy the message of death being inevitable was hammered in with all nuts and bolts secured.

I walk into the empty house..switch on lights just to make me feel better. The music is playing loud. I feel in a daze.

For the uninitated I went to see and Australian movie called "Look Both Ways". The movie pencils a bunch of characters around a train freak accident of man trying to catch hold of his dogs. In the background is the running news of a huge train crash killing several.

Its about a couple of people who have started seeing death everywhere.
It was actually very well directed movie. I soaked it all...the direction, the acting..the mix of animation.. the concept all of it. And yet now I feel drained. Drained of some spirit.

I want to tell you how it reminded me of all the train accidents which we have witnessed only in the news (at least me!) How after a while it becomes numbers on the screen. One forgets how it might effect the ones involved. How rarely do we shed tears for unknown strangers.
Yet its inevitable..we all die one day. We all die alone..and we each have to cope with it our own way.

So I sit here and stare at my computer, at loss for words to describe how it feels! Perhaps you should watch the movie..and maybe you will understand what it is I want to tell you. No! i am not here to advertise a movie, but to advertise bits of entertaiment to remind you the five lettered
truth called Death!

love
me

Split Milk..

I can visualize the whole thing in slow motion. The urge to get up and switch radio station..the slight brush of hand in the process...and all that chai on my spik and span carpet. The next minutes are spent in scrubbing away ferociously..with paper towels and windex..and as far as I can tell in the low lighting, they have done their job.

Now I can rue over the lost cup of tea, the wasted paper and the possibility of a stain on the carpet.

I know the saying..no point in crying over spilt milk. But sometimes I wonder if some remorse would help avoid it next time. So far I haven't found a solution as my dear friend will concur :)

Which brings me back to the point, should we blame ourselves for the mistakes we make so we will remember in future. And do we ever remember ? Is it at all possible to learn from our mistakes.
Would I redo somethings if given a second chance. Perhaps, but at that point I didn't have any more knowledge than what led to the mistake.

We all deserve second chances to prove ourselves...but what happens when we fail time and again?
What makes us get up...and re make that cup of tea and place it next to us (to really strech the analogy!)?

Page turner

I want to know how it ends even before I have read the first paragraph. But I am not allowed to turn to the last page. After all I have to get to know all the characters and how they relate before I can get (to) the end.

So I purse through the pages, in anticipation....in expectation..of the wonderful..of the horror ..
of the tragic.. of the unexpected...

There are days when I am disappointed..there are days when its all and more than what I expected.

On the beautiful bright days, I want to read it all again. This time very patiently, reading every line..every description and when I get to the end..its a whole new story!

Phone sshphone..

You and I don't make sense, Its like our friendship was an error in the global settings. A blip on the blank screen..the one that wasn't supposed to be there.
Its a miracle we have been friends for this long.

Hold on..what are you talking about ?

See there...you have no idea what we have been conversing about for the past 10 minutes..yet you refuse to hang up the phone

Hang up on you? When have I hung up the phone on you?

Ah..but you would like to won't you? I mean..we carry out these meaningless conversations everyday..for half hour..when you would rather be watching a movie or something!

Actually I am watching a movie right now. Except neither the movie or what you are saying makes any sense to me.

Which brings me back to my point na? We just dont make sense.. why are we carrying out this charade of friendship? For what 3 years now?

Ah come on..who else can I call and watch a movie at the same time and fail understanding both?

Why dont you just watch your movie? Am sure its much more simple to understand

I was only joking da...

See! I cannot even tell when you are joking and when you are serious.

Hmmm

Hmm what? Why dont you just go back to..oh am sorry continue watching your movie?..

Now that you mention it..its almost nearing the end.. I will call you after its done.


Grrr.. Wrong choice..see you dont know anything about me..you dont know when I mean something and when I don't. Well BYE then...!

Hmm..ok..Bye talk to you later

The Open Window

I let him go. I could see those dark brown eyes staring at me through the window. I could see the questions I had not let him ask. I waved goodbye as the train whistled. The tears appeared in his eyes involuntarily. He would not blink his eyes though. The lady next to him gave me a reassuring look as if to say " I will take care of him, don't you worry!".

Worry? Is that what I felt at that moment? He had been a part of my life for the past three years.
My days and nights had revolved around him. What it had taken me to take that decision. To be left at the railway platform as the train had sped out of the station.
So there I stood almost wooden, stuck to the railway platform.

He was true to me for the rest of the years. He wrote to me every week. I answered his letters with great caution. Never letting him know how much I missed him. He never hid his feelings. The feelings mellowed down over the years though.

He was changing fast. The new city envoirment, new friends. a new family did him good. He was growing quite mature. At the same time his cautious handwriting had turned into a hurried scrawl.


It was a decade later that I was back standing at the same railway platform. My life was still very much the same. I had become the principal of Saint Roderiques Orphan School. It was a very demanding position. The Orphan school was residential one. And there were new admits every few months. Sometimes I wondered who produced these orphans? At other times, I thought perhaps it was God's way of creating a balance in the world. Where childless widows like me could find love. I thanked the Lord every day for the small mercies! For I had been allowed to be a mother to hundred instead of none.

So there I stood at the railway station to greet my son, who had now grown up to be a man.
Ravi had been a shattered 10 year old when he entered the orphanage. He had lived a life on the streets most of his childhood. I don't remember quite how he came to live with me. But he had trusted me from day one. So he had stayed with me. That was the first time I had been a mother to
a child. There in started a new life for me, Rosa Fernandes, a widow of ten years, still very much in love with her husband. Through Ravi, I became a part of the orphanage in a way which was more than endowing them with my good fortune.

Eventually of course there was a family who came to adopt him. Away he went to the city to be a part of a family. But he never forgot his foster mother.

So there I stood at the railway platform looking a 23 year old young man with a moustache waving at me. I could recognise him from several photographs that he had sent me.
This time the tears wouldn't stop flowing my from my eyes but I refused to blink. I was so proud of him. Proud of what he had become, proud of what he had made me!

Running Scared

The Scared keep running away,
from the dark clouds in the sky,
from the cold wintry nights,
from the unpleasant thoughts.

The fear keeps following them
like shadow under the hot sun,
like the deep dark secret
embedded inside of their hearts.

There is never any respite,
no sanctuary to be found.
Its not possible to let go
of the fear within.

In the end, its a dead end,
wherein one dares to look,
stare the fear in the face,
only to realize its not to be found.



PS : I was away from the net for the past few days. Hence the lack of postings.. Perhaps this poem is then, quite appropriate :)

Need a little inspiration...

Saw the Sun today, peeking out of the dark clouds.
A sign of promise of new thoughts and solutions?

Yet its only a mirage, even if I can feel it gleam on me.
I see no answers, just more questions clearer than before.

At least it is a start. Tomorrow there will be sunshine and more.



PS: Boston has had now 7 whole days of cloudy days..when the sunlight beamed this evening, I could hear people in the coffee shop shout..Its the sun..its the sun :)

Enroute to New York

The suspect is travelling on Fung Wah bus, cheapest and surprisingly reliable way to travel!

The trip was well thoughout yet a bit impulsive. After harassing oneself about unaccountable money loss, unproductive research and unhappy advisor the suspect decided to bolt the scene of crime.

This was aided by an uncle's promise of a free ride back home and delight expressed by the suspect's friends in NY/NJ.

After a long time the suspect finds oneself with tonnes of time on hand and resorts to mundane thoughts.
* Did the desi chap two rows behind notice me? Turns to check out what the owner of sweet voice looks like !
* What is the girl across the aisle listening to on her IPOD? Thoughts about Ipod usually result in a prolonged debate of whether one should buy one. Ends at "not enough money"!
* Where is the rearview mirror in a bus? Is it easier to drive a bus in rain and bad visibility? That train of thought usually ends at the station " glad I did not drive"

The scenery outside is slowly vanishing into darkness. Not that there is much to see, just a lot of trees covered in mist. On second thoughts the tinted windows take all the fun out of it.
At this point the suspect spends several minutes remincing about past bus journeys. The one from Bangalore to Mysore stands out. That route can be (at the right time of the year) spread with lush green sugarcane fields, which are quite pretty.
Don't remember anyone describing the corn fields near Urbana with the same frevour. But that is a price one pays for living in the middle of one instead of passing by it.

The difficulty in writing these words (somewhate sketchily) is quickly disposed off by observing one young lady (at a visible range) drawing with utmost concentration.
One almost feels blessed on these occasions of carrying paper and pen even at the pretext of working!

In due course the mundane thoughts recede to the most vain. At this point the suspect gets back to reading the Adventure of Precious Ramotswe of the No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency.

The life apart

I would come running
If you only signalled
I wouldn't let you down
Not today not tomorrow

Truth be told,
you would never call
I wouldn't come
unbeckoned, unwanted

Two pillars unmovable
We stand apart
from the world,
from each other

And thus we stood
all our lives,
unshaken, unmoved
to become remarkable

The two proud statues
of resolution and bravery
Of thwarting all the wants
and hearts desires

In the end, thats all we are
two pillars of concrete
Apart by two feet of distance,
Together by the years that bond us


PS: These are just random lines, which I fit together, hoped they would make some sense. Sometimes it is fun to play with words; pick a line from here and there put them together and see what you make of it. Almost like cooking;)

Voices in the background

*dream*

I am in a room full of US Army soldiers. Its a party of some sort. There are bunch of them on the couch and I am standing facing them... explaining why a war is no good.
How it helps no one!



Get up in a shock. Feel like it was a nightmare.

*fast forward*

In the train staring at the other passengers. See this sad dog under the seat of its owner. Has a
patta on its nose. Wonder why?
Figure maybe it has a tendency of licking? Poor thing, Looks out of sorts and a little sad.

*later*

Wonder why people keep pets? Possibly its nice to take care of someone. Someone who wants you just the same always. Just like babies; their love is straighforward and unconditional. Their parents take care of them. Hence they love them.
Babies grown up, become independent. Our pets on the other hand stay with us till the end..ours or theirs.

But aren't animals happier in Wild? Isn't that more natural? Possibly, who knows. Its hard to figure out unless we could start to talking them.

*fast forward*

Its strange, look at us humans! We talk about protecting the envoirnment,animals. We keep them as our pets,take utmost care of them. And then, we go and kill our fellow men for there is no else who will kill us humans. We seem to have taken up the task of creating natural balance via war, bombs, our power struggles.

Who sleeps the best? The powerful man afraid of loosing his control. The man who just had a good meal after earning his daily bread?

Its hard to understand the dichotomy, trichotomy, or the reasoning behind our actions. It seems entirely easy to live at peace with each other. Perhaps it is impossible not to indulge in verbal wars..but if only they stayed verbal and did not involve cutting each other's throats.

*sigh*

Alter ego

I can be anyone you want
Maybe I am no one you want

I can be the sunshine of your life
I can steal all the sunshine from your life
I can take away the dark clouds
I can make it rain all day through

I can be your friend
One who's always there for you
I can be your worst enemy
One who never leaves you alone

That support you were searching for
It could be my shoulder you cry on
That person you were running from
I could be the one to make you cry

Love me, leave me
Run or hide, escape to the unknown
I will be here always
Inside your mind, Inside your mind.

Being Politically correct.,...

Was waiting for a friend, hanging out at a Starbucks. With just a coffee and nothing to read with me, I picked up these random pamphlets they had up there.

There was one reading 'Starbucks giving back to the community'.

I think Interesting!
People always say bad things about these corporations, perhaps they do not deserve it. It was cool, about how they were investing in various envoirmental stuff, buying fair trade coffee etc. So far so good.

They had this description in the end...facts and figures of how much stuff they buy, how many people they employ, men women etc... one of these categories was people of color!!

I was just very amused. Amused by the contradiction...

Train of Thought

Hey baby, I don't wanna be your Superman
I just wanna be your man and I'll be super, baby
You'll be standin' in the sun shine
I'll be standin' right here in the rain
You save me and I will save the day
I think im trying to save the world from you

You've been saving me too
We could just stay in and save each other
Im anything but ordinary

When I find out who I am
I'm gonna know just what to do
When I pull myself together again
I'm gonna give myself to you

I had heard of

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey

and

And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

and of course

Meet virginia

But to hear them perform live..and actually be able to see the stage even from the top was ... :)

The seats were bad, so was the acoustics, and the singer's dances abilities is mostly hand waving like mathematicians...
but ..but the music was awesome, the band played good... ! The stage arrangement with lights was beautiful.

I am in awe..perhaps you can tell how few concerts I have seen live.

All the same, if it wasn't midnight I would have considered getting hold of their CD !!!

Eye opener

Just realized that vision is a strange thing. There are times when I used to think that its a pain not being able to see clearly without my glasses.

Today I saw a different view. I had my glasses off while reading and saw this thing which imagined to be two little dolls with blue dresses at the end of a long stick.

Wore my glasses to discover it was two wires with blue plugs at the end.

Hmm.. its wonderful to see the world with my imagination sometimes :) Its more beautiful that way!

Its all about....

..who is saying the words and who is listening I think.

Take these lyrics.. from Shiver By Coldplay

On and on from the moment I wake,
To the moment I sleep,
I’ll be there by your side,
Just you try and stop me,
I’ll be waiting in line,
Just to see if you care.

Affections from the quarter you want..its all cute and mushy ...aw this person loves you so much!

Affections from quarter you do not want..and you have the honour of being someone's obsession!

So where is the line between love and obsession drawn?

Some bad poetry...

... dedicated to a very good man. I finally saw Good night & Good luck...


The streets you wandered
I would like to explore
The thoughts that you had pondered
I would like to hear

I will walk the path
And tread that you trod

The lives that inspired you
The lives that inspire me
The life you aspired to
The life I aspire to

I will learn to live it
Just as you lived it

Snapshot

A shadow was trudging down the alleyway. The lighting was minimal and the shadow was wavering. The figure stopped below the light bulb and the shadow disappeared. His appearance described him completely. There was a tiny bottle in his hand, a steel mug in the other which he was waving about. It was hard to decide whether he had any control on which direction the mug was going. Everything about him was in slow motion. He had huge tattered coat wrapped around him. You could smell him from a distance. Him and his liqour. His eyes were half shut. You could tell by his appearance that he hadn't food for days, and yet it was his size which made you question your conclusion.

The shadow started ambling toward me again. Relative to my brisk pace he looked still. I paused a moment and shuffled my purse for coins. I dropped a quarter and was on my way when I saw his eyelids flicker. His eyes opened a tad, and did I see a recoginition in them?

A Kodak moment? I must be joking, yet I see no one laughing!

Overheard

"If their childern are getting so fat that they cannot get into child seats. They should just tie them to the back of the car and make them run behind!!!"

Very Offensive I must add, which is probably why I was amused that anyone should say that!