Saturday, December 09, 2006

The inevitable parting

I never expected you to stay with me always.
There was no such clause to our friendship,
You were lonely and so was I
and together we were lonely no more.
We talked about music,
we talked about philosophy,
I was curious and nosy,
You were shy and civil,
But you came with me anyway
when I paid a visit to the strangers.
I guess I always knew, one day you will leave
One day you will meet that person,
who truly makes you happy and
you will be the loner no more.
And yet I was shocked when it happened
I was jealous, I was upset
Jealousy doesn't mean I was in love with you
I loved to have you around though..
and now that you are not here anymore..
I am back where I was, alone as always.

PS : This is an ode (?) to Isabel Dalhousie and Jamie.. Strangle McCall Smith, refuses to tell me what Jamie's last name is. Last few weeks I have spent hours reading about them...and only fitting to write something about them na?

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Completely Random

I have been brainwashed from the day I was born. That must be it, how else would you explain that everytime I think of God, I think of Him? and not Her?

If I were a feminist ( I am not admitting to be one or the other here!) I would explain that when you think of God, you think of someone who is better than humans..who is perfect.. There is no room for perfection in women, so he better be a man na?

Before you bring out your brickbats ( I mean the few male readers who frequent this blog), let me distract you. I am talking about brainwashing with social norms and how
inbuilt it is. You buy your daughter pink..and you buy your son blue clothes. You (read I ) laugh at male friends when they wear baby pink or orange shirts. We are taught that a standard family is a dad , a mom and children. No wonder single parenting is hard..because we have made it abnormal.. You might attribute it to natural instincts.. And yet we want social stamps of marraige to make these supposed natural instincts valid! (anybody can figure out what my marital status is from that remark..but that was not the point..duh!)

Almost all those little things, which I explain as "I like it this it a whim..isn't everyone allowed a whim.".has really been ingrained from Day some form or the other. The people around me weren't trying to imprint these things, but they did so anyway. My generation grew up with a fear of drugs..the ad campaigning possibly worked to a great extent..on false dread or real ones.
You told me why certain wars happened. You told me which side was good and which one was a subtle way.. (how often was this side the one who ended up winning?).

Everything including morality was instilled ...No, I suppose some moral virtues are inherent..have nothing to do with the surroundings, but there are others..which have been ingrained with years of the form of stories..moral lessons.
Weren't we supposed to judge these things for ourselves?

And it is right about here in my thoughts when I start fearing media. If you keep telling me I should be afraid of something...sooner or later, you will instill the fear in me. Then when you offer me protection, I will take it..even if it binds me in a cell for the rest of my life.

Monday, November 20, 2006


..says it all!!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Movie Nostalgia

Iske aage ki ab dastaan mujhse sun(ho ho ho ho ho)
Iske aage ki ab dastaan mujhse sun
Sun ke teri nazar dabdaba jayagi
Baat dil ki jo ab tak tere dil mein thi,
Mera dawa hai hoton pe aa jayegi

I always wondered what he meant by that somehow, the next set of lyrics
Tu masiha………..
Tu masiha mohabbat ke maron ka hai(slow)
Tu masiha mohabbat ke maron ka hai
Hum tera naam sun kar chale aaye hain
Ab dua de hamein ya tu de de zeher
Teri mehfil mein ye dil jale aaye hain
Ek ehsaan kar……..
Ehsaan kar(slow)
Ek ehsaan kar, apne mehmaan par
Apne mehmaan par ek ehsaan kar
De Duaein
De Duaein use umra bhar ke liye
Salaam-e-ishq meri jaan…..

in my mind did not make sense. Finally I realized..he meant those lyrics to impress Rekha in this song! Well anyway, this song was playing and my thought went back to the movie. And I thought they just don't make movies like that any more.

I know I know..they make Action flicks..mindless which I love..they make movies on social issues..much needed.. they make happy goody films.. which are nice to watch.
They even make some family drama... not that I have seen a good one lately.

But they just don't write intense drama anymore. Before, you tell me otherwise here is my take on it. I saw Muqqadar ka Sikander at least 12 years ago. I have watched it only once. I remember one hell of a lot of the movie. Simply because the passions run so high! What a strange plot... Amjhad Khan (Dilawar), a goon is in love with dancer Rekha (Zohrabai). Zohrabai is in love with Amitabh (Sikandar). Sikandar is in love with Rakhi (Kaamna,urf Memsaab) . Kaamna is in love with Vinod Khanna (Vishal). The only source of any hapiness in the movie was the fact that Vishal actually reciprocated Kaamna's love.

Of course, this all seems far-fetched (although I honestly think its really not all that far from real life love stories!). Being in love with someone, who was kind to you as a a little too deep on retrospect. But allow for the usual exagerations, the movie kept you
involved with each of the characters. And you come back from the movie thinking What if! What if..Vinod Khanna had not written the letter for Amitabh. What if Rekha had not taken Vinod Khanna so seriously. What if Amjad Khan had realized that Rekha had been much in love with Amitabh.

Call it nostalgia..if you will... it was entertaining while it lasted!

Monday, October 16, 2006


Heard a couple of new songs recently from the above named movie which make me want to fall in love. Of course am using the word very loosely here...
to mean the doe-eyed look for this person on whom you have bestowed the remote control for your emotions minus the instruction manual! The chaos that then not to be wondered at.

Ah but am getting distracted, "Ajnabi Shehar hai" is the one really strung a chord with my heart strings. Sonu Nigam is sounds really good. Then there is "Humko Maloom hai" which is story telling in a song. This song would fit right into a musical. "Sau Dard" is just the same song reincarnated. "Jane-tu Jane na"is a jugalbandi between Sonu Nigam and Sukhwinder Singh with again a very catchy tune.....All in all dont get put off by the fact that this movie stars Salman khan and akshay khan..both of whom look nothing like anything I (or anyone i know) would be doe-eyed about...

Sunday, October 15, 2006


The Characters Change
The Scenes get rewritten
New sets are built
New players are introduced

In this Play called life
Every Act is a new
Every enactment is original
Even the main character
undergoes a change everytime

Yet there is repetetion every show
The same passions take over
The same scenes get applauded
Same actors are lauded
The end, is the same everyday!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Rants of the frustrated Grad..Stud.. :)

I feel like a Greek Tragedy today. Things are not really any different from yesterday and won't be too different tomorrow, but I just felt like saying that sentence aloud for what it is worth!

Its strange the life of a Graduate student. Our lives are very much governed by our research. One happy day of results, working setups, very happy advisor can be followed by discovering next day that some of those results are not quite correct. What was working yesterday, ain't working no more. Advisor is upset for unknown reasons. And there you go..there is tragedy for you! Of course the most tragic part of graduate life is not graduating, which is omnipresent till the day you actually graduate!

If you think about it five or more years of "prime" life is spent worrying over the "thesis" which doesn't exist till it does and you are done. While other normal people are going home with big bucks, to their spouces and maybe even noisy children. A graduate student usually comes home to an empty apartment..regardless of whether the person in question is living alone or with roommates (their roommates probably having completely different waking hours).
Most of social talk involves comparing advisor idiosyncrasies, complaining or praising..(yep sometimes that happens) advisors..and other such important matters. When bored of conversing, the GS's watch movies together..sometimes some of them will also cook for another 10 of them..just to spice up things!

In all every day is the same..perhaps the rest of the world doesn't live a very different life.. but what would the frog in the pond know about the sea haan?

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

From Mars to Earth

In high school there used to be this silly joke floating around. The person telling the joke would be shaking hands with the listner and asking them questions about the planet earth. The joker if I may say so was claimed to be from Mars.
Jokers asks " So how do you have babies on Earth?"
The real Joker (who is buying all this) repeats some terminolgy learnt in a recently taught bio lesson about reproduction in mammals (very embarrased at this point!) and then feeling smart about it asks " How about in Mars?"
Joker then says " Oh, we do it by shaking hands..!"
Immediately hand retreats from clasp.. and the amount of laughter embarrasment brings is amazing.
Of course the smart Alec (or is it alex?) response is " Oh I was expecting that..that isn't even funny.."

Anyway, I was thinking if people had babies on Earth by shaking hands..very soon shaking hands in public would be termed obscene.....and all sorts of things can happen..censor board refrains me from writing any further :)

On a different note coming back to our dear Earth, I would like to call friday, September the 15th the All Rude Day. I got up feeling exteremely cranky, and unhappy. For some reason everyone else felt the same way too I think. Any store I entered, I would be met by unfriendly smiles..not for me anyway! One smile would have made a hell of a difference that moment..but then again I everything around us mostly a reflection of our own self?

Some strange doings of Earthlings like me..
So I try save paper, use recycling..use the wasted papers from the printer for scrap paper (I do math you see..that takes a lot of paper..sometimes anyway!). And then I happily use kitchen tissue to clean my kitchen floor..who will bother to use a cloth and then wash it haan?
Storing organic food..(err..groceries..) in plastic containers only comes second to that...

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


At the end of the day
Its just you and me
No matter how long we are apart
How long I keep away from you

At the end of the day
Its you I have to face
Its you I have to answer to
No matter how often I turn away

At the end of the day
I have no where to go
Weary and tired all I do is
close my eyes and try to sleep

At the end of the day
I can no longer avoid
no longer control my mind.
from thinking...of life and death
of unkept promises
of beginnings and the end

Disclaimer : Sometimes its hard to say what we want and at the same time keep the other person interested in listening to us. As far as poetry goes, this one is crappy..but these thoughts would look just as bad in prose form..perhaps the costume sometimes makes an expression a little more interesting?

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Kabhi alvida na Kehna (trying to give a new meaning to love?)

So having heard much about this movie...namely bad, worse and much worse, me nd a couple of friends braved other warring units (read friends threatening to eat samosas by themselves...) to go watch this film!

And after watching the 3 and half hour movie..which with all due respect to Amitabh bacchan ought to have been an hour shorter, I have much to say about the movie. *so if you dont want to hear about the story..well stop reading now!*

First of all Amitabh's character was shocking by any see a sixty year old man prancing with 20 year somethings in and out of bedrooms is quite dispecable.
But lets brush his character aside.

The movie's premise seems to be that two very different people married to each other will find it difficult to make it work. Lets let that go too..
But I have to take offence to the main characters of the movie, Rani and Sharukh Khan.

Rani Mukherjee gets married to her childhood friend, knowing fully well (supposedly taking three years to make this decision) that she is not in love with him whereas he is passionately in love with him. So you have a couple of Rani and Abhishek where the issue seems to be that Rani is obsessed with cleaning and Abishek with night life.
But he is always shown to care a lot for his wife, where she is dispassionate and completely uninvolved in the marraige. At least some ounce of feeling for each other out of their childhood friendship seems to be in order. She never has an answer as to why she married Abhishek in the first place, and neither does the director apparently, which makes her character slightly shallow. Especially after she starts cheating on her apparently loving husband.

Shahrukh Khan on the other hand, plays this guy who is angry with the whole world because a car-hit ends his football (soccer) career. He ends up coaching little children and takes out his frustrations on his little son. So if you like him so far you would like him more when you see his obvious antipathy with a career oriented wife, who is doing much better than him in life. Priety Zinta is clearly at fault (with regards to the marriage) for being career oriented!

So these lost souls become friends in attempt to save their respective marraiges, end up falling in love and breaking their marraiges anyway!

The last hour is the saving grace in terms of acting and better drama. The movie has a few lively moments and several good lines.

I just wish that Karan Johar decided to make a movie which was out there in terms of social acceptance had decided to make his characters a little more credible.
Its not that people cannot possibly fall in love after being married but there have to be more genuine reasons. After all, we Indians pride ourselves with strong family bondages. Its true that no marraige should end being just a bag of compromises devoid of love. But when you decide to make a movie about this, your hero, heroine shouldn't come out looking like villans!

All in was disappointing...NOT Because it was too long or BEcause it was too dramatic..but because the story just wasn't spelt out right!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Of Walmart and Fair Trade Coffee...

*Warning : This article is truly lacking in any facts and figures, and is only based on opinion columns!*

I read this column on the local newspaper here about
fair trade coffee (the post titled Stolen Childhoods).

And it got me thinking. The whole article is about how you need a certain number of people ( and really that means big businesses ) to be buying fair trade coffee in order for it to help the poor farmer. The point being that there are still poor farmers who are not a part of the fair trade market and by buying fair trade coffee we might be actually worsening their situation.

In the same vain, somebody complained about how they thought Walmart was bad because they sold goods made by poor labourers who were underpaid. And that Walmart was making money in bargain. But here is my thought, when I buy Made in India goods, they are priced closer to what they would be priced in India (which means that the labourers aren't gettingshortchanged directly by Walmart). And to me its better than a 2 dollar duppatta sold in the name of scarf for 40 dollars in that is looting in broad daylight!

Leave that apart. My impression of Walmart is that, they are big, so they buy good in wholesale and thus sell everything for a lower price. Which usually means putting small businesses out of work.
But even that theory gets thrashed by this article I read in the NY times. They were talking about how lot of small businesses had been benefiting by Sam's club, which provides these businesses with all sorts of support at a much lower price.

In short, it hard to be right or wrong in this new world. Every tale has two sides to it. Perhaps that was always the case, maybe now people do a better job of putting it across.
All I know is that I can no longer can I say I am being good by drinking fair trade coffee!

Monday, September 04, 2006

Freaked out...

Just attempted watching the theatrical trailer of Shiva (a new Ram Gopal Verma flick!).
After 4 seconds...unable to watch whats happening I closed the window. A goonda walking towards a man who is held by 4 goons..with a hammer..with obvious intentions to bang the poor chaps head.
The cop turning a blind eye to a laymans plea.. I couldnt watch more.

Same thing happened when me and my roomie tried watching this movie called the first few scenes they drown a new born girl child in boiling milk....WHy?

Why so grotesque?

Whats more scary is the fact..some of these things probably actually do happen! Which makes me wonder. What happens if I actually saw something like this happen in real life? Do I freak out? Do I turn a blind eye? And will it make things go away?

Will not watching such films keep me safe from nightmares? Possibly. But its freaking me out that
these things dohappen. I can do nothing about it. OR can I?

Sunday, August 27, 2006


He knew he was different from them. He was only 4 when Aai and Baba had had the talk with him. They told him how he was different from his
year old sibling Shrawan. But it hadn't really sunk in then. But slowly as Shrawan and he grew up he could see how he was diffrent from his family.

Shrawan would understand Aai, Baba much better. He would know when they were angry with him, when they were pleased with him. Aai, Baba were not much of talkers, they were stingy with words. You had to learn to understand their expressions. their actions. It took him some time but Sachin understood them. Or at least he thought so! But how he and Shrawan reacted back is what made all the difference. Mostly it was ok. But Aai,Baba really didn't know that he needed to be hugged and kissed, reassured of their affections.

Shrawan took Aai Baba's love for granted, whereas Sachin was afraid of loosing it to the extent that sometimes he wondered if they really loved him at all. Whether he was just a big mistake.

Aai Baba were really very nice people, it was hard to complain. But Sachin grew up a bitter boy.
It was the bitterness with world in general.

Aai Baba thought Sachin was just different. They gave him as much space as they could. Even Shrawan knew when to let Sachin be.

Sachin didn't really want to be left alone. Thats how Aai, Baba and Shrawan dealt with situations; not him! He liked people to come and talk to him about his problems.

THe Joshi's were a family bound by love and yet full of bitterness.
It wasn't meant to be like this. Amruta and Milind had never expected it turn this way! It seemed perfect, two idealistic like minded people, very much in love finally bound by marraige. Two years down the line they adopted Sachin. They didn't really mean to have another child. But Shrawan was born three years later.

The Joshi's promised to love their children equally,never to differentiate between them.
Perhaps they forgot that their two children were different people and they were to be nutured differently. Perhaps!

Friday, August 25, 2006

The dream

Sakshi woke up blushing. The feeling of standing close to him and holding his hand still felt real.
She just had to close her eyes and she could imagine standing by him, holding his hand and walking.

Except who was he? She was most certain he wasn't Praveen. Wouldn't Praveen find this amusing, her holding a stranger's hand in her dream? It was embarrassing that she had such wierd dreams. She decided against telling Praveen about it. He would just make fun of her and it was only a dream.

She actually did end up telling him about the dream later that day. Again, it wouldn't have happened if she had not felt the brush of his sleeve in the bus on her way back home. She was trying to get toward the front of the bus (her stop being a few minutes ahead) when she got the feeling again. She turned to look who this chap was, but it was hard to tell in the crowded bus.

Praveen thought it amusing that she had a dream man who wasn't him. Sakshi could not quite tell whether he felt hurt or was just amused. In any case it was a harmless dream.

A few days later she had the same dream again. It just felt good to walk with him. She felt secure, unlike other guys. Apparently she loved walking with this stranger in her dreams.

She met him again on the bus a couple of days later. This time she saw his face, even though it was turned away from her. His dark glasses covered his expression. He was handsome. "Tall and skinny, nice clothes" thought Sakshi blushingly.

Today the bus wasn't so crowded. When she got off at her stop, she felt him behind her. It was too tempting. After walking a few steps away from the bus stop she turned to look. He was facing away from her, toward the traffic, trying to cross the road.

When the white stick came out, it all made sense! She was there beside him, holding his hand, crossing the road, just like in her dream.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

The Runaway Plane..never coming back.. What are the chances?

Well..first half of the title is explained in

I have spent the last week fretting about what A would write on his blog about the trip. The moving, lack of sleep, lack of DSL connection just made me miserable. The only consolation was that A doesn't have internet yet either:)

Here I am in the coffeshop finally, connected to the NET world..and feeling much better now that I have read BAL's blog. He was done me no injustice..(for I feared that I would be featured as the main culprit in the drama even before our trip to Yosemite started!)

Anyway, I promised to write about my trip to Yosemite. Unfortunately, my camera refused to give me saath, the shutter got stuck 12 hrs after I had retrieved it from the security at ORD! The pictures hence will be gotten only after much begging and borrowing..:)
continued a few days later...

Still jostling with Ameritech over my dsl line. They blame faulty wiring, I blame faulty customer

What are the chances that A still hasn't updated his blog by now? Apparently 100 %.
Following is courtesy A, V and N's narration. Featuring S,N, A, SS, V and me all introduced in

. Special Appearence : Strange(r) Desi. Name Unknown. Possibly from Silicon Valley. Accompanied by wife and two kids (dont feature in the scene!)

Scene: Six, very grumpy desis, the gender equality in numbers is baffling.

Three of them have spent the last half hour walking in the dark collecting firewood ( at some point equating themselves to hyenas, since we were picking up wood from abandoned campsites!). After reaching camp, they realize the size of wood needs to be reduced without the aid of an axe. Various ideas

* like putting log between two stones and jumping on it...
* one person holding log, other jumping on it...
* plain hitting the log in frustration ensues...

Eventually, some log is retrived, pretensious fire ensues.

Lonely woman has to do all the cooking. Her friends have abandoned her for other work. Her spirits never die. A good meal is being concocted in the dark!

Two of them have spent last half hour trying to figure out how to get the latern working in dark!
The irony of the situation does strike them! Then they keep their spirits up and set up the tent.
Even join in helping in cooking and fire starting!

Enter our hero (villan? comedian?)

A huge SUV pulls up.. a head pokes into our camp from the dark.

"HEy" he says..

Another look at us
" What are the chances?"
Baffles audiences (at least some of them!)
" Can you guys tell me where ## campsite is ? "
Answers given..SUV moves ahead.

Grumpy desis look at each other...what are the chances??

Irritating Desi back in the vicinity.

" Where did you get the firewood..?"

A answers.." WE went looking around for them!"

" Did you go in the dark?"

N explains .. " WE came after it got dark..only half hr ago!"

" So you found firewood in the dark"

Someone nods...

" What are the chances I will get firewood if I go looking for it now?"

Everyone is thinking, why doesnt he just go looking instead of asking us questions!

" Maybe you will find some "

Intruding Desi leaves...

Some explainations on his remarks are sought

N says.. " This guy lives in California and is surprised to find desis in Yosemite."

Poor Desi was at the wrong end of our jokes rest of hte trip.

What are the chances he is reading this?? (*running for shelter from brickbats!*)

Thursday, August 03, 2006

All that in a pack of biscuits?

I just discovered a new brand of biscuits with a chocolate layer..etc by PiM's. So the pack claims its France's No. 1 Biscuit Brand, but its made in Belgium. (no contradiction there really!)

Anyway, managed to finish the whole pack of biscuits..and I have to tell you they are really good..
What amused me however is the stuff written to advertise this !

"PIMs varieties are a unique selection of extremely indulgent biscuits, made with the finest ingredients to creat your own moment of sensual pleasure every day.

Be seduced by PIM's Orange, a combination of three luscious taste sensations : delicate soft biscuit, natural tangy orange fruit filling and rich chocolate, for an intense taste experience. "

Are they talking about biscuits? Scary part is ..its all true :)
(I added the italics to decorate the text btw :) )

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Just an observation..

.. and I have to say that these adjectives are not really mutually exclusive

Nice, homely boys fall in love with the girl next door types. The girl next door types fall in love with the pseud cool looking guys. The pseud cool looking guys fall in love with beautiful,outgoing type of girls.
The beautiful,outgoing type of girls fall in love and in fact marry nice, homely boys. Where that leaves rest of them...I wonder!

PS: I am sure its not a standard rule..But yaar its my blog, its my observation.. its a free world out there..or that was what I was told!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Power of love !

He was everything my parents had warned me against! He was everything I would have asked my friends to stay away from. He changed jobs every two months. His temper and mood changed with the weather.
He could never keep his eyes away from any good looking woman on the street, even when I was with him, His friends were the street goons, the ones who made comments on everyone who walked by, who gave the thelewallahs a hard time. The kind who could find pleasure in teasing children. The kind who oggled at every woman.

I believed he was not like them, even if they were his best friends. I did not pay heed to all that was adviced against him. I was in love with him. He used to take me out on his motorbike riding it dangerously. He made me feel special. He had no one else in his life, no family that was known, no siblings. I was everything to him, or so he told me.

Fifteen years later, here we are, sitting across each other at the dining room of our two bedroom flat as our children squabble away. He talks to them patiently, trying to be the peacemaker.
The bike has long been sold. He has had the same job for the all of our married years. He is the father of my two little girls, whom he adores. His street friends have moved away from the locality, some into stable lives, others into anonymity.

I have it all made. So it seems, Did my love change him? The ambiguity of it all strikes me. Here I am, the daughter of proud parents, living a life envied by some, and approved by all. Here I am, sitting in front of the man I fell in love with. Here I am sitting in front of the man, who is nothing like the man I fell in love with.

Friday, July 14, 2006


.. For the past few days I have been following the Mumbai help blog. I have only felt more helpless then ever, but knowing somebody is doing something is good sometimes.
Everyone I know is safe and sound (all my friends are in Bombay as I was born and brought up there!). Then again, so many people I do not know died for no obvious fault of theirs.
Then again,there were blasts in Kashmir and lots of people died. I didnt realize until this friend mentioned that somebody he knew had died in those.

From numbers on paper, to gory pictures on television. From names on the dead and injured list to the posts on blogs. We have seen it all before. We will see it again. We all say we want to stop this. If we all want to stop this..why is it still happening.

When will we find the solution or explain to this brainwashed people that killing has never solved anything. You kill my family, I will kill yours and it goes on..till we end both our lineage.

And then our friends continue the war for our memory!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


It poured cats and dogs out there today. The thunder was indeed barking and meowing. Now there is this lull after the storm.
The air smells sweet, only thing I can hear is the birds chirp and those coloured tin machines (perhaps you refer to them as cars!) whiz by.

After rain, everything looks beautiful. Even the most boring of plants if full of life. Everything is green. The tiny drops of water balancing on the edge of the leaves make it all seem facinating.

In all, its a beautiful world. So hello, beautiful dear world!

Perhaps you can help

Here is a Mumbai Help blog post . If you are having a better luck reaching phone numbers..maybe you can help!

Thursday, July 06, 2006


Turning into an insomaniac..ok not really..but currently cannot sleep. Suddenly was reminded of this
one wonderful summer I had with my cousins..when I was 14 I think.

I loved every minute of it. They were all older to me..anywhere by months to a decade. It was rare..what with school and everything that we all be at the same place at the same time. But once in a while it would and we would have a great time. Technically speaking I think they thought they had a great time, making fun of me..and teasing me. Me being the youngest one. But they probably didnt realize how much I enjoyed all this teasing. I just loved all of them, and really in their own way they were giving me all this attention ( I was attention craver as a kid..maybe I still am :) ).

All in all, we had good fun. Now we are all grown up..some are married with children. And who knows if ever we will be able to hang out together..all of us at the same time, And yet these memories that we created will remain forever in our minds. And I will have company on those boring nights when insomania strikes :)

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Just a (few) thought(s)

...I want my left and right hand to meet behind my back. But they refuse too..even though they are perfectly cordial when I can see them !

... Its a man's world. You want to fit in, be a man.. If you want to be a woman !

...One can be rooted like a tree and let the scenary change around them. Or one can keep moving, like a bird..building a nest at every new place, never expecting permanancy.
In either case..Change happens.

...I admire people who can get over their broken hearts..who understand how its not the end of the world. I can not understand those who actually end their world on that account.

...Nostalgia is a dangerous things. It plays tricks on our minds. It convinces us that life will never be the same again!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

D**** the five letter word

Dear Diary,

I saw a strange movie. I walked out of the theater telling my friends how I liked the movie.
Then they pointed out how it was all about death..Even though the ending was happy the message of death being inevitable was hammered in with all nuts and bolts secured.

I walk into the empty house..switch on lights just to make me feel better. The music is playing loud. I feel in a daze.

For the uninitated I went to see and Australian movie called "Look Both Ways". The movie pencils a bunch of characters around a train freak accident of man trying to catch hold of his dogs. In the background is the running news of a huge train crash killing several.

Its about a couple of people who have started seeing death everywhere.
It was actually very well directed movie. I soaked it all...the direction, the acting..the mix of animation.. the concept all of it. And yet now I feel drained. Drained of some spirit.

I want to tell you how it reminded me of all the train accidents which we have witnessed only in the news (at least me!) How after a while it becomes numbers on the screen. One forgets how it might effect the ones involved. How rarely do we shed tears for unknown strangers.
Yet its inevitable..we all die one day. We all die alone..and we each have to cope with it our own way.

So I sit here and stare at my computer, at loss for words to describe how it feels! Perhaps you should watch the movie..and maybe you will understand what it is I want to tell you. No! i am not here to advertise a movie, but to advertise bits of entertaiment to remind you the five lettered
truth called Death!


Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Split Milk..

I can visualize the whole thing in slow motion. The urge to get up and switch radio station..the slight brush of hand in the process...and all that chai on my spik and span carpet. The next minutes are spent in scrubbing away ferociously..with paper towels and windex..and as far as I can tell in the low lighting, they have done their job.

Now I can rue over the lost cup of tea, the wasted paper and the possibility of a stain on the carpet.

I know the point in crying over spilt milk. But sometimes I wonder if some remorse would help avoid it next time. So far I haven't found a solution as my dear friend will concur :)

Which brings me back to the point, should we blame ourselves for the mistakes we make so we will remember in future. And do we ever remember ? Is it at all possible to learn from our mistakes.
Would I redo somethings if given a second chance. Perhaps, but at that point I didn't have any more knowledge than what led to the mistake.

We all deserve second chances to prove ourselves...but what happens when we fail time and again?
What makes us get up...and re make that cup of tea and place it next to us (to really strech the analogy!)?

Monday, June 26, 2006

Page turner

I want to know how it ends even before I have read the first paragraph. But I am not allowed to turn to the last page. After all I have to get to know all the characters and how they relate before I can get (to) the end.

So I purse through the pages, in expectation..of the wonderful..of the horror ..
of the tragic.. of the unexpected...

There are days when I am disappointed..there are days when its all and more than what I expected.

On the beautiful bright days, I want to read it all again. This time very patiently, reading every line..every description and when I get to the end..its a whole new story!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Phone sshphone..

You and I don't make sense, Its like our friendship was an error in the global settings. A blip on the blank screen..the one that wasn't supposed to be there.
Its a miracle we have been friends for this long.

Hold on..what are you talking about ?

See have no idea what we have been conversing about for the past 10 minutes..yet you refuse to hang up the phone

Hang up on you? When have I hung up the phone on you?

Ah..but you would like to won't you? I mean..we carry out these meaningless conversations everyday..for half hour..when you would rather be watching a movie or something!

Actually I am watching a movie right now. Except neither the movie or what you are saying makes any sense to me.

Which brings me back to my point na? We just dont make sense.. why are we carrying out this charade of friendship? For what 3 years now?

Ah come on..who else can I call and watch a movie at the same time and fail understanding both?

Why dont you just watch your movie? Am sure its much more simple to understand

I was only joking da...

See! I cannot even tell when you are joking and when you are serious.


Hmm what? Why dont you just go back to..oh am sorry continue watching your movie?..

Now that you mention it..its almost nearing the end.. I will call you after its done.

Grrr.. Wrong choice..see you dont know anything about dont know when I mean something and when I don't. Well BYE then...!

Hmm..ok..Bye talk to you later

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Open Window

I let him go. I could see those dark brown eyes staring at me through the window. I could see the questions I had not let him ask. I waved goodbye as the train whistled. The tears appeared in his eyes involuntarily. He would not blink his eyes though. The lady next to him gave me a reassuring look as if to say " I will take care of him, don't you worry!".

Worry? Is that what I felt at that moment? He had been a part of my life for the past three years.
My days and nights had revolved around him. What it had taken me to take that decision. To be left at the railway platform as the train had sped out of the station.
So there I stood almost wooden, stuck to the railway platform.

He was true to me for the rest of the years. He wrote to me every week. I answered his letters with great caution. Never letting him know how much I missed him. He never hid his feelings. The feelings mellowed down over the years though.

He was changing fast. The new city envoirment, new friends. a new family did him good. He was growing quite mature. At the same time his cautious handwriting had turned into a hurried scrawl.

It was a decade later that I was back standing at the same railway platform. My life was still very much the same. I had become the principal of Saint Roderiques Orphan School. It was a very demanding position. The Orphan school was residential one. And there were new admits every few months. Sometimes I wondered who produced these orphans? At other times, I thought perhaps it was God's way of creating a balance in the world. Where childless widows like me could find love. I thanked the Lord every day for the small mercies! For I had been allowed to be a mother to hundred instead of none.

So there I stood at the railway station to greet my son, who had now grown up to be a man.
Ravi had been a shattered 10 year old when he entered the orphanage. He had lived a life on the streets most of his childhood. I don't remember quite how he came to live with me. But he had trusted me from day one. So he had stayed with me. That was the first time I had been a mother to
a child. There in started a new life for me, Rosa Fernandes, a widow of ten years, still very much in love with her husband. Through Ravi, I became a part of the orphanage in a way which was more than endowing them with my good fortune.

Eventually of course there was a family who came to adopt him. Away he went to the city to be a part of a family. But he never forgot his foster mother.

So there I stood at the railway platform looking a 23 year old young man with a moustache waving at me. I could recognise him from several photographs that he had sent me.
This time the tears wouldn't stop flowing my from my eyes but I refused to blink. I was so proud of him. Proud of what he had become, proud of what he had made me!

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Running Scared

The Scared keep running away,
from the dark clouds in the sky,
from the cold wintry nights,
from the unpleasant thoughts.

The fear keeps following them
like shadow under the hot sun,
like the deep dark secret
embedded inside of their hearts.

There is never any respite,
no sanctuary to be found.
Its not possible to let go
of the fear within.

In the end, its a dead end,
wherein one dares to look,
stare the fear in the face,
only to realize its not to be found.

PS : I was away from the net for the past few days. Hence the lack of postings.. Perhaps this poem is then, quite appropriate :)

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Need a little inspiration...

Saw the Sun today, peeking out of the dark clouds.
A sign of promise of new thoughts and solutions?

Yet its only a mirage, even if I can feel it gleam on me.
I see no answers, just more questions clearer than before.

At least it is a start. Tomorrow there will be sunshine and more.

PS: Boston has had now 7 whole days of cloudy days..when the sunlight beamed this evening, I could hear people in the coffee shop shout..Its the sun..its the sun :)

Monday, May 15, 2006

Enroute to New York

The suspect is travelling on Fung Wah bus, cheapest and surprisingly reliable way to travel!

The trip was well thoughout yet a bit impulsive. After harassing oneself about unaccountable money loss, unproductive research and unhappy advisor the suspect decided to bolt the scene of crime.

This was aided by an uncle's promise of a free ride back home and delight expressed by the suspect's friends in NY/NJ.

After a long time the suspect finds oneself with tonnes of time on hand and resorts to mundane thoughts.
* Did the desi chap two rows behind notice me? Turns to check out what the owner of sweet voice looks like !
* What is the girl across the aisle listening to on her IPOD? Thoughts about Ipod usually result in a prolonged debate of whether one should buy one. Ends at "not enough money"!
* Where is the rearview mirror in a bus? Is it easier to drive a bus in rain and bad visibility? That train of thought usually ends at the station " glad I did not drive"

The scenery outside is slowly vanishing into darkness. Not that there is much to see, just a lot of trees covered in mist. On second thoughts the tinted windows take all the fun out of it.
At this point the suspect spends several minutes remincing about past bus journeys. The one from Bangalore to Mysore stands out. That route can be (at the right time of the year) spread with lush green sugarcane fields, which are quite pretty.
Don't remember anyone describing the corn fields near Urbana with the same frevour. But that is a price one pays for living in the middle of one instead of passing by it.

The difficulty in writing these words (somewhate sketchily) is quickly disposed off by observing one young lady (at a visible range) drawing with utmost concentration.
One almost feels blessed on these occasions of carrying paper and pen even at the pretext of working!

In due course the mundane thoughts recede to the most vain. At this point the suspect gets back to reading the Adventure of Precious Ramotswe of the No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The life apart

I would come running
If you only signalled
I wouldn't let you down
Not today not tomorrow

Truth be told,
you would never call
I wouldn't come
unbeckoned, unwanted

Two pillars unmovable
We stand apart
from the world,
from each other

And thus we stood
all our lives,
unshaken, unmoved
to become remarkable

The two proud statues
of resolution and bravery
Of thwarting all the wants
and hearts desires

In the end, thats all we are
two pillars of concrete
Apart by two feet of distance,
Together by the years that bond us

PS: These are just random lines, which I fit together, hoped they would make some sense. Sometimes it is fun to play with words; pick a line from here and there put them together and see what you make of it. Almost like cooking;)

Monday, May 08, 2006

Voices in the background


I am in a room full of US Army soldiers. Its a party of some sort. There are bunch of them on the couch and I am standing facing them... explaining why a war is no good.
How it helps no one!

Get up in a shock. Feel like it was a nightmare.

*fast forward*

In the train staring at the other passengers. See this sad dog under the seat of its owner. Has a
patta on its nose. Wonder why?
Figure maybe it has a tendency of licking? Poor thing, Looks out of sorts and a little sad.


Wonder why people keep pets? Possibly its nice to take care of someone. Someone who wants you just the same always. Just like babies; their love is straighforward and unconditional. Their parents take care of them. Hence they love them.
Babies grown up, become independent. Our pets on the other hand stay with us till the end..ours or theirs.

But aren't animals happier in Wild? Isn't that more natural? Possibly, who knows. Its hard to figure out unless we could start to talking them.

*fast forward*

Its strange, look at us humans! We talk about protecting the envoirnment,animals. We keep them as our pets,take utmost care of them. And then, we go and kill our fellow men for there is no else who will kill us humans. We seem to have taken up the task of creating natural balance via war, bombs, our power struggles.

Who sleeps the best? The powerful man afraid of loosing his control. The man who just had a good meal after earning his daily bread?

Its hard to understand the dichotomy, trichotomy, or the reasoning behind our actions. It seems entirely easy to live at peace with each other. Perhaps it is impossible not to indulge in verbal wars..but if only they stayed verbal and did not involve cutting each other's throats.


Sunday, April 30, 2006

Alter ego

I can be anyone you want
Maybe I am no one you want

I can be the sunshine of your life
I can steal all the sunshine from your life
I can take away the dark clouds
I can make it rain all day through

I can be your friend
One who's always there for you
I can be your worst enemy
One who never leaves you alone

That support you were searching for
It could be my shoulder you cry on
That person you were running from
I could be the one to make you cry

Love me, leave me
Run or hide, escape to the unknown
I will be here always
Inside your mind, Inside your mind.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Being Politically correct.,...

Was waiting for a friend, hanging out at a Starbucks. With just a coffee and nothing to read with me, I picked up these random pamphlets they had up there.

There was one reading 'Starbucks giving back to the community'.

I think Interesting!
People always say bad things about these corporations, perhaps they do not deserve it. It was cool, about how they were investing in various envoirmental stuff, buying fair trade coffee etc. So far so good.

They had this description in the end...facts and figures of how much stuff they buy, how many people they employ, men women etc... one of these categories was people of color!!

I was just very amused. Amused by the contradiction...

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Train of Thought

Hey baby, I don't wanna be your Superman
I just wanna be your man and I'll be super, baby
You'll be standin' in the sun shine
I'll be standin' right here in the rain
You save me and I will save the day
I think im trying to save the world from you
You've been saving me too
We could just stay in and save each other
Im anything but ordinary

When I find out who I am
I'm gonna know just what to do
When I pull myself together again
I'm gonna give myself to you

I had heard of

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey


And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels
and of course

Meet virginia

But to hear them perform live..and actually be able to see the stage even from the top was ... :)

The seats were bad, so was the acoustics, and the singer's dances abilities is mostly hand waving like mathematicians...
but ..but the music was awesome, the band played good... ! The stage arrangement with lights was beautiful.

I am in awe..perhaps you can tell how few concerts I have seen live.

All the same, if it wasn't midnight I would have considered getting hold of their CD !!!

Monday, April 24, 2006

Eye opener

Just realized that vision is a strange thing. There are times when I used to think that its a pain not being able to see clearly without my glasses.

Today I saw a different view. I had my glasses off while reading and saw this thing which imagined to be two little dolls with blue dresses at the end of a long stick.

Wore my glasses to discover it was two wires with blue plugs at the end.

Hmm.. its wonderful to see the world with my imagination sometimes :) Its more beautiful that way!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Its all about....

..who is saying the words and who is listening I think.

Take these lyrics.. from Shiver By Coldplay

On and on from the moment I wake,
To the moment I sleep,
I’ll be there by your side,
Just you try and stop me,
I’ll be waiting in line,
Just to see if you care.

Affections from the quarter you want..its all cute and mushy this person loves you so much!

Affections from quarter you do not want..and you have the honour of being someone's obsession!

So where is the line between love and obsession drawn?

Friday, April 07, 2006

Some bad poetry...

... dedicated to a very good man. I finally saw Good night & Good luck...

The streets you wandered
I would like to explore
The thoughts that you had pondered
I would like to hear

I will walk the path
And tread that you trod

The lives that inspired you
The lives that inspire me
The life you aspired to
The life I aspire to

I will learn to live it
Just as you lived it


A shadow was trudging down the alleyway. The lighting was minimal and the shadow was wavering. The figure stopped below the light bulb and the shadow disappeared. His appearance described him completely. There was a tiny bottle in his hand, a steel mug in the other which he was waving about. It was hard to decide whether he had any control on which direction the mug was going. Everything about him was in slow motion. He had huge tattered coat wrapped around him. You could smell him from a distance. Him and his liqour. His eyes were half shut. You could tell by his appearance that he hadn't food for days, and yet it was his size which made you question your conclusion.

The shadow started ambling toward me again. Relative to my brisk pace he looked still. I paused a moment and shuffled my purse for coins. I dropped a quarter and was on my way when I saw his eyelids flicker. His eyes opened a tad, and did I see a recoginition in them?

A Kodak moment? I must be joking, yet I see no one laughing!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006


"If their childern are getting so fat that they cannot get into child seats. They should just tie them to the back of the car and make them run behind!!!"

Very Offensive I must add, which is probably why I was amused that anyone should say that!

Monday, March 27, 2006

I finally succumb...

to writing some poetry. I will go ahead and disgrace myself here, after all I have been prosing for so long that a change might be good.. you might even get a hearty laugh out of this pretension.

And to those of you thinking that these disclaimers are really me fishing for compliments I have to tell you that you are right! I will take everything and anything... compliments and critic..:) Ok..brace goes

Would you make me beg you?
for those kind words
for those minutes of sanity
before I move into the unfeeling world.

Would you deprive me
of those stolen moments
of the small memories
before the reality takes over

Would you not turn around,
my friend and say goodbye?
Just one glance, one look
to keep me company
on my journey away from you.

PS: For anybody who wonders about the inspiration, perspiration or aspirations behind this poem. I have to tell you honestly, none. One afternoon, work refuses to get done..intense boredom takes over and I feel like poeting.. Sure I am bad it, but when has that ever stopped me from posting?

Saturday, March 25, 2006


Just watched my favourite scene from My Best Friend's Wedding. Its when Michael goes on a boat ride with Julianne. He is discussing with her how they both rarely used the word love in their relationships with other people. And then he says "
Kimmy says if you really love someone you say it loud.. otherwise ..."
Julianne completes it for him "..otherwise the moment just passes you by.." During this scene the boat is going under the bridge so its in shadow and Juliannes eyes are brimming with tears. As she says the words the boat comes out from under the bridge into the light. Love the scene.

Its not the just love, a lot of things in life are momentous. Its about reacting correctly at the right moment. Or realzing what it is that you want at the moment when you want to make your decision.

If one thinks back, there are these "life changing moments". At that point of time we hardly even notice them, Its when they are gone we feel that something important just happened.

If you love someone, say it then and there. If you want to take up that job, don't dwell on it. Just accept it. When you want to make the move go ahead and do it. Once the moment has past, there is not much you can do the make it happen again.

This is not a reminder of all things that could have been, but all things that could be!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Pyar Ishq Mohabbat aur Zindagi

Kambhakth ishq hai jo
Sara Jahan hai woh
Kab aata hai Kab jaata hai....
Par rahta hai jab tak yeh kabhakth jannat dikhata hai

Sunayana could not sleep. She just could not get her mind off him. They had been in the same college for three years now. But suddenly something had changed. Everytime she saw him or talked to him, her heart did a thousand leaps. The whole world brightened up. Gone were her thoughts about war, poverty, homelessness. There were no worries in her world. He on the other hand she thought looked a little out of sorts.
The stubble made him look good. But it was difficult to ignore the lines of worry on his forehead.

Jane yeh kaisi aag lagi hai.
Isme dhuan na chingari
Ho na ho is baar koi khwab jala hai seene mein.

Ravi tossed and turned in his bed. He could hear voices from his parent's bedroom.
He felt so helpless. He was in the last year of engineering and they were running out of money to pay for his education. Baba had lost his job. The company had shut down suddenly and at his age it seemed impossible to get another job. He had two younger siblings, still in high school. There was just another year to go and his parents wanted him to finish. He felt like he should quit degree college and get a job. Any job would probably help them at this point. His parents on the other hand were trying to convince him that they had enough savings to get through another year. He was sure they were lying.

mere dil ko yeh kya ho gaya
main na janu kahan kho gaya
kyun lage ki din mein bhi raat hai
dhup mein bhi barsaat hai
aisa kyun hota hai baar baar
kya isko hi kahte hain pyar

Sunayana was on the seventh heaven. She had met Ravi in the hallway. He said he would like to talk to her in the afternoon after class. He had asked her looking very nervous whether she would meet him for a cup of tea. She had agreed most readily.
She realized she was counting minutes to this meeting, feeling nervous and delirious both at the same time.

Ishq hota nahi sabhi ke liye..
yeh bana hai yeh bana hai kisi kisi ke liye...

Ravi spent the time in class dreading his meeting with Sunayana. She was the closest thing he had to a friend and he was sure she would understand. He wondered what this meant for both of them. If only things were different, he could have asked her to marry him. She had big ideals, about how she would be a social activist and help the poor after she finished her graduation. He felt sad that he could not be a part of her ideals. His life was taking a different direction.

Mar gaye ishq mein aashiq kitne
aashiq baniyo na....
ishq kabhi kariyo na...

Sunayana felt like her life had fallen apart. She felt bitter. And yet she couldn't be angry with anyone. Ravi was leaving college. He had found a job in Dubai. It was a clerical job. She was sure he could get a better paying job but he was in no position
to bargain. She felt cheated. It wasn't Ravi's fault that his family was broke. She wished she could have helped him in a different way. But what could she do? She was from a middle class family herself. She had worked hard to get this merit seat, and her parents were just about able to pay for her education. She suggested that Ravi should take a loan and finish his studies. But he said that their finances were in such a poor state that it was impossible to manage even with a loan.

mann yeh baanwara
tujh bin maane na
dhunde raat din kya baanwara

As he walked out of her life that day Ravi had a hollow feeling. Sure they could keep in touch. They were still young and had time on their hands.
They both knew that was never going to work out. Ravi had to look after his siblings and Sunayana had to still build her life. Perhaps they still had hope. Maybe in 10-15 years time they could be together. Maybe she join him in Dubai. Maybe he would come back in couple of years after making a lot of money.

Hazaron Khwaahishen aisi ke har khwaahish pe dam nikale
Bahut nikale mere armaan lekin phir bhi kam nikale.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Romance and Reality

This post is slightly inspired from Casa's or at least smells the same!

Over the weekend I saw Before Sunrise and Before Sunset starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delphy. And I spent half of the time agreeing with most things they said especially Julie delphy's character in the sequel.

For the uninformed ( ok that is just to get people started..:)) Before Sunrise was this (fairly mushy as I realize now) movie aboout two strangers who meet on the train and spend the next 20 hrs (perhaps?) talking to each other and falling in love with each other. This movie was made in 1995 and I think I saw it about 7-8 years ago, the movie impressed me with its simplicity. And the idea of two strangers getting along so well with each other jelled with me. I still love that movie.

But it was the sequel which made me realize how much I had changed. At the end of the first one they promise to meet each other after six months at the same place (dont bother to exchange phone numbers etc). The sequel was in fact made 9 years later and was about them meeting each other after 9 years. They couldn't meet after six months. But the connection was still there. Anyway, years had taken their toll, they were now older and somehow less romantic and more cynical.

Especially Julie Delphy's character. She talks about how she really felt detached from everything around her etc.. and how often have I felt that way. No, there was no stranger on the train..or a romance that could have been. Its just that life happened. Its like that rock on the sea shore I saw the other day, all that salt water hitting it slowly makes it loose its edge. The rock probably doesn't even realise what is happening until years are gone by and the change is sharp.

No, I am not a bitter depressed manaic....but how I love that movie. For being honest in a strange way. Perhaps its just me who relates to it so. OR perhaps you will too if you watch it.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

The Angle

" Look at her. In that crimson red saree she looks her best. And what am I wearing? The same old simple salwaar kameez? Why didn't I dress up a little bit more? How could I forget that Rani would be look ravishing as ever? Perhaps Nikhil is right now wishing he was married to her after all. Look at her laughing and talking to him " Neha thought to herself. Next minute she was scolding herself " But she didn't want him did she? While I have been in love with Nikhil all my life. And yet why am I always worrying? He's mine for life now, na?"

Just then Nikhil moved across the room to talk to her to discuss their plan of action for the evening.

" They both look so happy together" thought Rani. " Maybe I should not have refused him." He was after all the most handsome guy in her school. They would have made the perfect couple. The beauty queen and the prince of school.
" What's the use in this line of thought. Aren't I happy with Rahul? So what he is a bespectacled serious guy, who prefers books to movies." Hadn't she always been in love with him? Running around him in school, pretending to have difficulties with homework just to seek his help.

As Neha turned to go talk to their hostess , Nikhil looked around the room. He saw Rani taking Rahul's spectacles and wiping them up for him.
" Look at her. Treating him like a baby. Isn't it just like her. " He was reminded of all the time in life when he had been jealous of this very act. How he had convinced himself that no girl could ever refuse him. He always felt strange being in the same room with the woman he had been in love with for the first 25 years of his life and the woman he had promised to love rest of his life. He wondered why they weren't the same woman. Then he turned to see Neha in deep thought break into a big smile when he looked at her. " Why wasn't I in love with my wife all my life? All those heartaches and troubles we could have avoided."

Rahul looked at his wife, fussing over him and felt blessed. "Whatever made her fall in love with the most boring boy in school, he would never know." Spontaneously he took her hand and squeezed it, as if to tell her how precious she was to him. Rani flushed and then whispered into his ears, " I am glad you are with me"

Neha saw the exchange and felt the eyes of Nikhil on her. All she saw there was love.. no deceit and thought "How can I but be in love with this man always?"

Monday, March 13, 2006

A Drop of Sweat

I travel downward as he frowns. Gravity pulls me down and I fall with a thud. Part of me is stuck on to the ends of his shirt. As I splash, I grasp the warm air in the hope that it will carry me forth.

In seconds, I evaporate into the air, warmed by the hot mid-day sun. And I am free. I spread around,
in all directions, free like a bird. My wings are every where. I am floating in the air.
Its wonderful for a few minutes, and then I feel myself dissipating, becoming one with the atmosphere.

Will I be ever able to gather myself? There is no time to think....

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Email story: finale (no real surprises)

Date: Wed, 7 Jan 2004 08:03:57 +0530
From: "Mythili Rangaswami"
To: "Sumitra Narsmihan"
Subject: Re: venkatiah

yep, for both, ramesh is a good guy and venky still doesnt watch desi movies. but i have convinced him to go for Kal ho na ho with me. I know, i know.. we have seen it on video.. par yaar its still running in the theaters.
Btw our dear venky has finally decided on a girl! He claims he really likes her, but thinks shes not interested, quite crestfallen he is. I told him its no big deal yaar, happens in arranged marraige par pata nahi he seems set on this one!
i was thinking ki even talking to Ramesh a few times, agar we decide not to get married, i wont feel bad like that.

anyway, i believe SRK will make it all ok :)


Date: Thu, 8 Jan 2004 22:57:19 -0600
From: "Sumitra Narsmihan"
To:"Mythili Rangaswami "
Subject: Re: venkatiah

Sorry mythee, am real tied up yeh week. What with this being Prashant's last week of break and deadlines next week at work.. So will mail you back after dude is gone back to Midwest.


Date: Sat, 10 Jan 2004 10:30:19 +0530
From: "Mythili Rangaswami"
To: "Sumitra Narsmihan"
Subject: Re: venkatiah

that's ok re. meeting ramesh again today. he is nice. and then will go with srini tomorrow to see Venky off at the airport. so will mail you in a few days.


Date: Mon, 12 Jan 2004 03:15:45 +0530
From: "Mythili Rangaswami"
To: "Sumitra Narsmihan"
Subject: CALL ME

arre I tried your cell, but you are probably at work. call me when you get my email..
am desperate.. can't sleep. I did the most outrageous thing. venky asked me if I would marry him, and I said yes..
we had like this three minute conversation when we went to get coffee for everyone.
i dont know why I said yes.. what will i tell my parents now? and ramesh??
oh sumi, please call.. i am sleeping rather not sleeping with the cordless next to you wont disturb anyone.
apparently he meant me when he said that he liked this girl.. stupid me..didnt take the hint!! and now i said yes, i think i would like being married to him..but what a mess. and i wont even hear from him for next 20 hrs..don't know if we are really on any commitment here!!!


Tuesday, March 07, 2006


I have been on this island for a while now. I have a small raft on which I can go fishing.

Everyday I wait, for that big ship to pass by, blowing its horns. I have learnt to build fire, and have these coconut like things which burst into the flames. I have thus a perfect system to catch the passerby's eyes.

I was on a small boat once, it was definitely seaworthy, but I had not taken time enough to check if the base was indeed solid. So no surprise that it capsized very quickly. It was kind enough to sink near an island. An island I can swim to, I can find shelter and food at.

Like I said, I have a small raft (constructed from my boat remains), somedays when the weather is nice, I venture into the calm seas, soak in all the warm air. But I rush back lest I should miss sighting that big ship, and miss my chance.

Sometimes I wonder though, is this waiting worth it. Should I just not make home here on this island, which has been ever so kind to me? Its a passing thought, cause come the light of dawn I am there again, at the shore, waiting!

PS: I have been reading Life of Pi for the past few days (actually a month now!)..hence the boat the water :)

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Mathematically speaking

There is platonic love and then there is physical attraction. I feel am in love with every person who speaks a few kind words to me, who makes me feel good. At the same time I can be attracted to very unknown strangers on the big screen.

Yet there are so many people who confuse the two. Some thing is love is just physical attraction..and then there are those who think its just platonic (hypothetically speaking :)).
I suppose when you mix the two you get a happy marraige.

Its all very simple really, you have two equations and you have two very random variables and in a linear (read sane!) world there is one and exactly one solution.

Sunday, February 26, 2006


Americas 2004..

One boring winter evening, me and my roomie discover that we get FOX TV without cable!( We didn't have cable and didnt use our tvs but for watching movies via vcr). We decide to check out American Idol. "Too much drama.. and these preliminary stuff is boring!"

We watch it next week just the same :) And the next week..and so on.. till we start rooting for Bo Bice! That rocker could rock the stage. And there was this other guy who had awesome charisma, and this music teacher who sang awesome ( Ok I am biased towards guys! what to do?). Of course Carrie won, she sang well..So fine. Even though I would have voted for Bo.

India 2004.

So I hear that there is an Indian Idol. Who won? The final two were too good, and it was all based on looks. Then I hear Abhijeet Sawant and Amit Sana on desi-radio..dunno who became the idol but Abhijeet Sawant can sure sing! After hearing Lafzon mein, am convinced looks or no looks he deserved that Idol prize!

Americas 2005..
Have caught a few episodes...but the finals have only now began...

India 2005
Accidently I discover some Indian Idol 2 episodes online. This is piano round. Here comes a Abhishek Bacchan resembling chap ( only resembling ok no one can look as good as Abhishek!!!.. ) from hydy. And this chap starts off singing the Punju song from Chalte Chalte "Layi vi na gayi" and am spell bound.. I am no music expert.but that boy can real sing well. I checked out
all the videoes yesterday (ok.. really had nothing to do..:) ) A little over-confident perhaps but good. Then there is Amey Date ( and if you have ever seen Sa re ga ma and various Suresh Wadkar students.. you know he is good!)
The two girls surviving, Meenal Jain and Antara Mitra can sing well. Again Antara is from a small town with a strong bangla accent working real hard.

The sad part is Karunya is not getting as many votes..possibly cause people dont watch this stuff so much in south? If you are in des-land...please vote for him.. on my behalf !!

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Email Story : Part III (soon to end I promise:) )

continued from " Email Story Part II "

Date: Thu, 1 Jan 2004 12:56:31 -0600
From: "Sumitra Narsmihan"
To:"Mythili Rangaswami "
Subject: Re: venkatiah

Just got up! We went to play pool last night. All those places were having some championships. So ended up back home, junta felt very senti about not doing anything. So we danced :) Kya contrast hai, you go to a discotheque to dance, we dance at home.
Btw I am rolling with laughter imagining Venkatiah (urf venky!). You remember the mama's boy who used to sit in front of us. I was telling Prashant about him and how we used to torture him!

So what's up with this Vineet thing then? I know long distance can be tough. But you know I am in one. Me and Prashant meet once in two months usually na? Of course dude has been crashing here all this month. But of course with junta coming here at random hours my dear hubby has to behave himself :)

Chal dishes beckon me. Prashant cooked all week, at least I can do the dishes.


Date: Sat, 3 Jan 2004 10:20:15 +0530
From: "Mythili Rangaswami"
To: "Sumitra Narsmihan"
Subject: Re: venkatiah


arre how is your dear hubby? give him my love (even if he doesn't want it!). agar main hoti, I would crash at your place all the time..just to trouble him.
Ya that Vineet thing is a flop. Am meeting one Mr Ramesh today. He is a doctor or he is still doing his residency in the americas. So lets see. Please remind me again what pluses did I see in this arranged marraige thing? I know I have been arguing for it all our lives. And now am getting cold feet!

waise you and prashant thing is different re. Your parents were friends. And you have known him for kya 6 years now? from NYSS time? And married for 2 years at least na? S o how can it be the same? Its like a arranged cum love marriage. apne aise naseeb kahan.

I was telling amma, why they couldnt have some nice friends like that, with nice sons. So there appears my Mr Ramesh Rajgopal. He is a friend/acquaintance of srini anna. So lets see he must be 2 years elder to us.

ok chal then, have to go shopping with bhabhi and manni. I still don't know why I started calling kartik, bhaiya while I call srini anna. I sure had some confused parents who taught me that!


Date: Sat, 3 Jan 2004 10:22:17 -0600
From: "Sumitra Narsmihan"
To:"Mythili Rangaswami "
Subject: Re: venkatiah


Prash passes his love to you , the little that he can spare from me :) He says he does have some left for you, inspite of you pulling his leg over thanksgiving break.

Ramesh haan? Ok girl, you have your fun. You know am no fan of arranged marriage. But if thats what you want to do. Go ahead! Waise your parents must be thrilled na? I guess they musn't have been expecting this.

Aur kya? Nothing much is new here. Prashant has to leave next week, so we are thinking to spend some money and catch a Broadway play before. Don't know last minute mein koi tickets milega kya!

Chal then,

Date: Sun, 4 Jan 2004 10:20:15 +0530
From: "Mythili Rangaswami"
To: "Sumitra Narsmihan"
Subject: Re: venkatiah

arre that Ramesh chap is not all that bad. I actually liked talking to him. Hes as big a fan of hindi movies as I! We are planning to watch a movie today evening.
and hes all cool. Quite open about his views. Entirely thrilled :) Can you see me grinning?

By the way our dark past has come back to haunt me in the form of venky!
Usne sidey ne apne mom ke samne sunaya ki how you and me used to trouble him. That we would throw chalks at him. And tease him about being mama's boy :(

So I told aunty, that her son keeps grudges, which is why he is embarasing me now!!
His mom was so cool about it. She said, he just is trying to prove that he isn't a coward anymore :) Woh log aaj subah aaye the. mr venky had gone ponna pakkal with his parents. I didnt ask for details. Its shameful, to do social visiting when you go to meet a girl and all. But apparently there was some confusion with time and they came to Ghatkopar way too early and since they were on East anyway, Venky suggested they drop by. I told Venky exactly what I thought of that. For which he shrugged and said Its all good.. khair jaanede. I am upset with him.

phone ringing.. probably venky to say sorry.. YA right.. am just expecting too much!


Date: Mon, 5 Jan 2004 5:13:34 -0600
From: "Sumitra Narsmihan"
To:"Mythili Rangaswami "
Subject: Re: venkatiah

Ramesh sounds like a good guy. You should meet him as often as you can whiel you are there. Waise you must have made up your mind when he said lets go watch a SRK movie :) Arre does Venky still not watch any TV and movies? because they are such a waste of time?

There you go I gave you another reason to fight with him :)


to be continued...

Friday, February 24, 2006

Part II Email Story

continued from " "Email Story I "

Date: Sun, 28 Dec 2003 22:30:45 -0600
From: "Sumitra Narsmihan"
To:"Mythili Rangaswami "
Subject: Re: venkatiah

What no reply? Better write before I am convinced you have become a myth!


Date: Mon, 29 Dec 2003 12:23:12 +0530
From: "Mythili Rangaswami "
To: "Sumitra Narsmihan "

arre kuch nahi, got stuck with meeting guys and all. Still think this whole process is silly yaar. Met one guy on Thursday, Vineet. He is a software engineer. But he is in Bangalore, he visits US often on Infosys jobs. I don't even know why we are both considering each other. It doesn't makes sense. I will be in Americas for at least a few years.. and arranged marraige mein who wants a long distance relation?

And then he gave me some fundaes about how his mom will always be right, and that he can never go against his parents wishes. What the hell is he talking about? Matlab aise wierd conditions mein koi kyun shaadi karega? I am not expecting to fight with his mother, she seemed like the sweetest woman, but phir bhi? What century is that guy in? The more they become westernized, the more conservative they become seems like!

Venky was telling me that he has already met two girls, and it didnt work out. But hes so cool about all that. He says they have these chats and if things don't seem to be working, you just decide then and there to let it be. WHat a great start? I mean if you don't want even start with some meeting ground, where does he expect it will end?

Anyway, so talked a few more times with Vineet saheb, but dont look like it will work out :(

Sahi hai you guys saw movies and all. And no my bro is no SRK fan, refuses to even come for Munnabhai. He doesn't watch anything other than documentaries on NG. What a bore ! I don't know uska love marraige kaise hua. That guy hardly ever speaks to anyone. Even to Simi bhabhi now!

me ( haha, thats what I ask these guys I meet.. love me..:) )

Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2003 9:29:31 -0600
From: "Sumitra Narsmihan"
To:"Mythili Rangaswami "
Subject: Re: venkatiah

Dear Mythee,
BAck to the working grind. These IT people even don't know how to distribute holidays. Thinking of taking a break and going to Calif with Prashant. He still has his winter break going on. These MBA's first pay through their nose for schooling and the world pays through their nose for educating them. He already has two job offers!

Don't worry about all this arranged marriage thing re. Why are you doing this yaar?
Your parents should be quite open to love marraige after two in your family and you are only 24! There is lots of time to fall in love.

On the other hand if you want to go through with this, you are right, stop seeing this Vineet guy. And what? are you and venky exchanging notes? Venky haan? I don't remember anyone calling him that in junior college!

Well boss entered. Better get back to work.


Date: Thu, 1 Jan 2003 5:44:36 +0530
From: "Mythili Rangaswami"
To: "Sumitra Narsmihan"
Subject: Re: venkatiah

Guess what I did? I went to a disco here, with my bros, bhabhis, would be bhabis, Venky and his sister.
We danced all night. I had a real New Year Party. Junta in India has really transformmed. I would never have done that in the US. In last two and a half years we have been to the bar kya, a couple of times?
It was crazy. Oh and let me tell you Venkatiah can really dance good. Never expected that!!
Anyway, uski sis kafi cool hai. She is elder to him, doesn't want to get married ever or so she claims. Apparently thats an issue he has to deal with in this arranged marraige context. Although, dunno why anyone should care. She is the epitome of feminism. She is a journalist in the Indian Express. I became totally fida on her.
She was making fun of Venky all the time for being such a good boy etc. Gulty boy gets teased about making money out his marraige all the time.

So what did you guys do for new years? Actually its not new year yet there I guess.
So whats the plan?


To be continued

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


Walking towards my office from the coffee shop I looked around.
Every city has a character of its own. People dress differently here from the Midwest. They just don't seem to dress all that brightly here as in the Midwest. All dark coats, grey and black.. smart looking men and women. But no bright colours.

Then splash! Actually it was Whoosh! The truck past me sprayed a whole lot of dust on me. " And dust," All big cities have their share of dust and wind.
The daily routine is such that I walk a lot and think a lot about what I want to write.
Except I never get around to writing it.

I really like to write. But its not writing, I really love to think out loud. Put it out there for some listening ear to catch it. But really, I don't even want to think out loud. How wonderful it would be if I could transmit my thoughts.

I would just think " Loud" and then ramble on into the universe. Some kind soul would happen to say at that time " Listen" and would hear my comic narrations (even if I say so myself!) And then when I get bored with thinking, I would switch to " Listen" and tune into somebodys thoughts. Neat....

Sigh! and what a beautiful dream it was , chaotic perhaps but beautiful all the same :)

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Say a little prayer

You know you are in trouble when you read the sign on a door saying " dept of so and so...Welding lab " as "Wedding lab!". It almost makes me sound lonely and desperate.. I say almost, cause in reality am not desperate, lonely..yes.. and that is just due to being a strange city.

Anyway, I have my own solution to all this. Like every good human being, I pray every night for all the wars to end..good things happen to good people. And then I have a secret prayer of my own.. which namely seeks a few miracles, like a husband, two children, a doctrate, a job at a univ in India..( I figured asking for a house to add to that list is way too much, some restraint is due even with greed!) appear lo and behold next morning..

Every night, oh god I say a little prayer for me :)

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Derivatives in Real Life

We derive inspiration from those around us.

We derive our aspirations from what is around us.

We derive pleasure from our surroundings.

We are the derivatives of our familiy's hopes and fears. (so, Mike and the Mechanics tell me in the Living Years!)

Friday, February 10, 2006

Whence do I belong?

There are two ways to kinds of travellers in this world (very soon I will outdo no of times Amitabh says in Hum, "do tarah ke cockroach hote hain..." )

There are those who do in Rome as Romans do. There are those who are a Roman no matter where they are !

Its hard to decide which is the better way. Probably the best one can say is that there is no better way!

As an Indian in India (who has never been anywhere much ) I had a certain impressions Indians from America visiting India. " Why do they have to be so American? Why do they say fast instead of faast? Why do they need toilet paper and Bisleri everywhere they go?"

As a legal non-resident alien in America ( I mean the United States really!) I have another impression of Indians in America. I think " why are they so Indian? Why don't they mingle more? The same old gatherings, where you might see one or two Americans? Still adhering to same old traditions"

Ya ya, I am stereotyping here, but its really only an impression, a feeling , not completely without grounds !

So then I wonder, who am I? Am I an Indian? I defintely say fast more often than faast. I try to fit in somewhat but still am stuck to age old conservatives, which are derivatives of being an Indian.

I am afraid I am caught in a time warp. I am afraid by the time I am settled here, I will be going back to my home country. I am afraid that by the nothing will be hte same there. It already isn't.

So there is no escaping the truth. I am an Indian in the Americas!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Money Money Money...

" Must be funny in the rich man's world!" sing Abba.

I realised that I will always poor. I have a middle class mentality. Why?
So I overheard (actually I could have been a part.. but ever so often I have nothing to say!) a conversation about someone buying a friend a pair of jeans worth 150 dollars. Someone who probably makes a little bit more than me possibly. I realized that even if I was a millionaire I could never buy really expensive clothes.

Sure, I can imagine buying an expensive gift, but designer clothes just dont sound right to me! I can still remember that I had once recieved a 1000 rupee scholarship, and decided I will buy myself a really expensive salwaar kameez. I had to make my friends take me to expensive stores. And it took me a whole lot of effort to buy that dress. I still have it of course, and it was totally worth it. (this was a few years ago when 1000 rupees was worth much more!).

I suppose everybody has his/her taste for expensive things. I can really spend on buying gifts, buying electronics, something random on a whimsy, CDs, etc.
But still I think I will never be rich!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

H two O

Flowing river has a strange calming effect. As I watch past huge tables, through the high windows of the library, into the slowly treading waters of Boston, shinning bright in the sunshine, I feel at peace.

I wonder how water flowing down the mountains through Ganga looks ever consuming, while the small stream trickling off the mountains at khandala tempt you to get wet without fear.

Have had these strange feeling at times when I stare at huge chunk of water of being drawn into it, the feeling is over-powering. Perhaps humans were really meant to be amphibians, perhaps we moved way too inland.

Sad then that I cannot swim (inspite of taking classes), sad that I never learnt to sail a boat or walk into the ocean and let the waves tease me.

No, life is not short enough that these dreams are never realised. But I kind of understand those few who do indulge in taking the plunge.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Pastries, cheese and coffee

These are things I crave for. Smell and sight of certain food have an ability of numbing the practical mind.

But why is it so often that the taste doesn't live upto the smell of it? Coffee never tastes as good, even though I am into becoming an addict soon.
How come pastries, which look beautiful as you dream about them ( inspite of most of dreams these days involving a warmer room , I do day dream occasionally about other things!) very rarely taste as good.

On the other hands, one can remember the taste of best dessert one had, or the taste of the spiciest food. The flavour lingers on. And you can recall it whenever you want to, with no bad aftertastes!

Life is like that, very much close to what Mr Steele says in the conversation posted before. Not everything is upto our expectations, and then there are those cherished times, which stay with us always!

Monday, February 06, 2006

weathering heights

Its insanely cold out.. Its cold in my room.. :( Change of cities, no change in weather but its almost a new life.
Its like being back in Bombay again, travelling half hr for work. Except its cooooooold..
Change in life is expected. But expected or unexpected its hard to accept.. at least for me..but then, every time after the first few days of complaining I settle down and hate to leave.
Thats probably a pattern hard to change, I would rather crib now than hate living here always :) If you didnt realize by now, its really cold out and am wrapped up in blankets while writing this....The sunny bright days though decieving are most welcome.

Saturday, January 28, 2006


Its the first time that I have deleted a post on this blog because I didn't like what I wrote. So anyone who might have happened to have read it over the last 24 hours, knows what am talking about..

It was a moment of weakness, a moment of self obsessing. And now when I read it, its entirely repulsive. Its kind of strange that
* Being positive about self is good, but you shouldn't be snooty about it.
* looking into oneself is good, but being self centered is not.
* being in love with one's personality isn't bad at all, but stop being narcsisitic.

And then I wonder about all this morality business.. Why did I get disgusted with my momentary self obsession? Why do I think its wrong or distasteful?
Eventually every action is really selfish in its own way or selfless, its how you percieve it and how directly you stand to gain..

ps : i still love my haircut though..:)

Friday, January 27, 2006

Steeling away :)

Steele :"Look Laura, There are only two ways to go through life. Like you, the mathematics student, expecting to find your universe in perfect working order, demanding too much of yourself and everyone around you finding yourself disappointed at every turn.

Or like me, the wanderer, entitled to nothing, not even parents. Finding myself surprised when something does go right or somebody pats me on the back instead of kicking me on the teeth "

Laura:" Where do you get the strength to try when you don't think you'll succeed ?"

Steele :"And where do find the strength to pick yourself up time and time again when you let yourself down?"

Laura:"I believe in myself"

Steele: " And I believe in whoever I am at the moment. And when that doesn't work anymore I become someone else!"

Laura:"Teach me that and we can run away from all this mess"

Steele: " I was hoping you would teach me to stand up and fight"

Have to tell you there is more to Remington Steele than meets the eye:)

PS : When I couldn't come up with anything intelligble, I begged, borrowed and STEELED...

Still stuck on movies

My alltime favourite movie is "Before Sunrise". The idea is exteremely romantic and far fetched, two strangers meeting in the train and hitting it off straight away.
The movie is about the one day they spend together, Ethan Hawke playing an American on Europe trip. And Julie Delphy on her way back to work meet on the train and Julie agrees to take off with Ethan to roam Vienna..
The whole movie is a bunch of interesting conversations. I just loved the movie, I can still remember a lot of things they talked about. In todays time, it could be a blog.
Don't think my friends liked it as much. But if you are a romantic at heart and love to listen.. this is a good watch:)

Interestingly the two actors got back together after 10 years to make the sequel before sunset. Its real time in terms of movie, which is cool. The ending is slightly disappointing. But there never can be a good ending to such stories.

Don't know why I was reminded of this movie but there you go.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Lets go to the movies

Do I have to write about every movie I watch? No definetely not.

Whether I will? Guess guess!! (tell no gopi tell no.. for anyone who might have seen Gopi Kishan!)

I would love to share with you all two movies I saw recently.. ( aah I can see people really brightening up to read this post now :) )
The Squid and the Whale
Its a two hour movie about a year in the life of a couple who are breaking up. So what's new about that? The couple has been married 16 years or something, have a 14 and a 9 year old offspring.
My two cents, worth a watch on afterthoughts. Immediately after the movie I could only feel depressed ( its too realistic!) and angry that how can people be so self-centered what kind of example they are setting their children?
On second thoughts, it makes you realize how much our parents really influence us in the way we think? All of our lives we try to be different from them, and yet we are so much a part of them! (more than just literally!) Good job by all actors!
Warning! Don't expect an ending, with such a storyline.. there is no ending!

Up Close and Personal

Very mush mush, not really my kind of movie. Yet I loved it!
Its the usual storyline, rags to riches, falling in love with mentor, marrying him..etc
What was good? It was about reporters. I almost wished I had been brave enough to become a journalist. On second thoughts, I suppose if I really wanted it I would have done it. Its hard to know when you are making these choices though! BTW thats partly what made me love the movie. Its really about television reporting, buts its all good :)
Another plus is the chemistry between Robert Redford and Michelle Pfiefer (probably spelt it wrong!). Its wonderful when a couple can be on the same page, all along in their relationship. Very refereshing to watch about a couple who doesn't spend time feeling insecure about each other.. (guess that just wasn't the point of the movie :))

Ok, I now sigh with relief for penning it down. Been thinking about this for a few days now. Is this a blog or a confessional? or what? :)